Discussion topics from my internal voices.

The dead rise, and fun ensues!

2008-09-12T21:39:00.001-07:00

Okay, two of my friends, who I thought had dropped out of orbit for a while, contacted me recently.

First my dear friend, Professional Student, called me up and we went out for a fun filled evening. For those of your who know him (Part-time nun, and Asian Eddy)... he is doing well. He's back in school, and having a lot of fun.

We went out to see Tropic Thunder- ok, I have already seen it, but the movie is so f-ing funny, that I enjoyed watching it again. But then, I like playing with cat toys too, go figure.

Then, TODAY, another long thought dead friend called. We will call her "Lydia." That's right, the L-person called. She is doing great, although still not working. Ok, I like the money I get working, but hearing her say she gets to sleep in till around 11 each morning makes me think that maybe I have this work=food+shelter concept all wrong! She wants to do a get together with me and my BFF, Asian Eddy, possibly next week. WOOO. For those of you who are not sure what this means.. STAY INDOORS. Do not walk on the sidewalks. And, if you do go out, and you see three rather odd people dancing on the table and singing "I got friends in low places," ..... well I DID try and warn you!

Happy Happy Day!

2008-09-08T21:57:00.001-07:00

On this day, only (mumble) years ago, a little child was brought into this world. Since then she has brought joy to countless lives. Uhm, I am not sure how many. Didn't I already mention that they were countless? If I could count them, then they would not be countless, would they?

Anywho, back to the story. In time this cherubic little girl grew up, and realized that something was missing from her life. An alibi. And so she and I became friends.

Happy birthday Part Time Nun!!!!

MISUNDERSTANDINGS

2008-09-07T19:06:00.000-07:00

MISUNDERSTANDINGS
-or-
The continued stupidity of 2008

Okay everyone, the stupidity of the first half of 2008! Some of this is me. Some of this belongs to other people. I will let you guess what stupid stuff I have done this year. And if you think a statment applies to you, and you are getting pissed... uhm.. then that event was completely made up and is not about you at all!!!

If it is on my desk, it is probably not yours.

If you continually don’t make an effort to bring food to get-togethers, and always show up late, don’t be surprised when it all gets eaten before you get there.

Slander = VERBAL misrepresentation.
Libel = WRITTEN misrepresentation.

If an event occurred, then it is not slander to mention it, or libel to write about it!

If someone gives their OPINION on an event that really did occur, it still is not slander or libel.

If no names were mentioned at all, yup! Still not slander or libel.

If it is not your birthday, YES you have to wait for the b-day person to arrive before cutting into the cake!

If you invite someone to an event, stating “We decided at the last minute to have (event name).” and then carp about people not showing, DO NOT try and say later “I left a message for you two months prior to (event name).” Just fess up and say you didn’t really want that person there to begin with.

If you are continually depressed, and absolutely refuse to do anything to fix it, please understand that after a few months, people might stop caring.

If a dog barks, and bit you in 2007, don’t think that it might be friendly to you in 2008!

If you bring your ass to my house after 9 p.m., bang on windows, wake my ass up, just to get inside and bitch at someone, then call other people on the phone to bitch at them, THINK AGAIN. This is disturbing the peace and the police will be called next time. Especially if my neighbors complain AGAIN. Wait till the next day. After 10 a.m. People might be sleeping in!

If you book a hotel for only $45 a night, don’t get upset that it does not have the best location!

If you borrow something, give it back. Don’t say someone else gave it to you as a gift and try to keep it!

If you are trying for oral sex, use your mouth on flesh. Do not just blow on someone’s crotch and think that does it!

If you need to use a Wii for jump starting your sex life, give up.

If you have several children with various physical or emotional problems, your life is going to be difficult. If you cannot handle that, don’t take it out on the kids. Get help or give the children up. There is no excuse for parental abuse!

If you feel badly, and are doing EVERYTHING the doctor told you not to, don’t complain about feeling badly!

If you write a blog, and people get pissed about what you write, you should expect it. The internet is wide open.

If you think the world is about you, think again. It is ALL ABOUT ASIAN EDDY! I’ve accepted that, now it is your turn.

Don’t say you are divorced when several people you know go online to check court records periodically. Just grow a pair and be honest.

If you are a habitual liar, don’t be surprised when people call you on it.

If you are really into something, like online games, great! However, not everyone wants to hear every little detail about your online exploits!

If you win $30,000, share.

If you get a dream vacation to go somewhere, and a guest cannot go due to vacation time at work, don’t mention the names of any celebrities that you met, and hide the pictures for at least six months.

If you have insane relatives, NEVER let your new significant other meet them before the wedding!

If you borrow DVD’s from someone, make sure you return them. Until you do, no more rum cake!

If you have a friend who has a serious medical problem, call them. If you don’t you are a sucky friend and should suffer. Eternally!

If you think you are in the wrong, you probably are. Apologize.

Having your child spend the night does NOT mean someone else putting them to sleep before you get home, and then picking them up as soon as the child wakes up.

If you are separated from a total loser wife, and you begin dating an 18 year old model who not only is intelligent, but EVERYONE LOVES, don’t think that maybe you should try and work things out with your loser wife. Just move on! Everyone will be happier!

If an old woman asks you to cut her hair, don’t. This will only end in tragedy.

If a homeless person asks you for a ride, don’t. Your car will smell for at least a week.

Another lovely child

2008-08-29T20:48:00.001-07:00

Another story of customer-employee interactions at the library.

Recently a colleague was helping a cracked-out-ho of a mother find a book. Cracked-out-ho mom had a cute young daughter, perhaps 3 or so, with her in a stroller. This is not a problem. Our library is child friendly, and we are happy to see kids actually coming to the library. Well, except two that we will nick-name oh, say, Alex and Oleg, but that is a different story.

As my coworker was helping the crack-ho mom, the sweet and cute little girl in the stroller started slapping her (my co worker, not the mom) and saying "You bitch." Over and over. About six or seven times.

Ah, the joys of children, and the lessons that horrible parents are teaching them.

Announcement! Announcement!

2008-08-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

Everyone,
Everyone,

I have waited to post this for a few days, but I cannot wait anymore! I am SOOOOOO excited! My BFF, Asian Eddy, is expecting. YAY!!!

I have waited to post this for a few days, but I cannot wait anymore! I am SOOOOOO excited! My BFF, Asian Eddy, is expecting. YAY!!!

I think that A.E. should name the baby after me. That way no one on either side of the family can get hurt that someone on the other side of the family got picked for the honor.

I think that A.E. should name the baby after me. That way no one on either side of the family can get hurt that someone on the other side of the family got picked for the honor.

And, if you are wondering why everything is double... well I am trying to exert a little cosmic influence, and make sure something else comes out double too :)

And, if you are wondering why everything is double... well I am trying to exert a little cosmic influence, and make sure something else comes out double too :)

Admit it, A.E., for a second, just a second, it made you laugh!

Admit it, A.E., for a second, just a second, it made you laugh!

NEVER GO FULL RETARD!

2008-08-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

I recently saw a movie, "Tropic Thunder," that was absolutely hysterical! I will not give anything away, but in one scene, Robert Downey Jr. and Ben Stiller are talking. Both of them play actors in the movie, and Robert Downey Jr. used the memorably line of, "Never go full retard." He explained that going full retard never gets anyone an Oscar, and also disassociates the audience from the character. The audience just has no frame of reference in which to empathize.

That said, here is what happened to me this past Monday.

In walks a mother, her son, and her daughter. Soon after they arrive the scene begins.

Son: "Do you have any Tintin books?" ** Tintin is a series of children's books BTW.

Me, after looking in the computer. "No, but several of our branch libraries carry them. I can order them over for you, if you would like." He then runs off to tell his mother and sister the news- I heard him, and he got all of the information correct.

Two minutes later...

Daughter: "Do you have any Tintin books?"

Me, after blinking, "No, but several of our branch libraries carry them. I can order them over for you, if you would like." She then runs off to tell her mother and brother the news- I heard her, and she got all of the information correct- just like her brother had a couple minutes before.

Two minutes later.........

Mother: "Do you have any Tintin books?"

Me, trying not to laugh. "No, but several of our branch libraries carry them. I can order them over for you, if you would like." The mother does not run off. In fact she gets irate!

Mother: "Aren't you even going to check your computer?"

Me: "Actually, I just had two little library customers come up and ask for the Tintin books. I did check the computer. We don't have any here, but we do at other libraries in our branch system. Would you like me to order some over for you?"

At this point one of my co-workers just abandons the desk, attempting not to laugh, and hides in the stacks, watching the whole thing. The mother continues her retard-ness.

Mother: "So the library system does not carry them at all?"

Me: "Yes, the library system does own them. Unfortunately we do not have any at this branch, but there are other copies elsewhere in the county, at our other library branches. I would be more than happy to have them sent over for you."

Mother: "So the library doesn't own any?"

Me: "Not at this branch, no. But several of our other, nearby, branches do. I can have them sent over for you, if you would like?"

The mother finally gets the concept. She then asks if a particular branch owns them. It seems she is only visiting a friend in my city, and actually lives near one of the other branches. Hallelujah! I quickly check, and YES the other branch does carry the entire series.

I hand her a sheet of all of the branches in the county. I highlight the information for the branch she lives near. This includes the hours and days that this branch is open.

Me: "Yes, they carry the full set of the Tintin books. Unfortunately they are not open today, but they will be be open tomorrow from 12 until 6."

Mother: "Well what time do they close to-day?" Her tone was pure acid, but I survived... somehow.

Me: "That branch library is closed on Mondays, so they are not open today. However, they will be open tomorrow from 12-6."

Mother: "Why did they close early today?"

Me: "Unfortunately they are not open at all on Monday's. They are closed. Every Monday. But they will be open tomorrow, from 12 to 6."

Mother grunts, and then says, "Fine. When is the next day that they will be open?"

Me: "They are open on Tuesdays. So they will be open tomorrow. From 12, noon, until 6 p.m."

At that point she just rolled her eyes, and told her children that the library did not own any Tintin books at all.

I went over to my escapee co-worker, and smiled. "My shift is over. Your turn." I left the building to the sound of a child's voice asking her, "Do you have any Tintin books?"

Remember, folks, never go full retard!

Birthday events

2008-08-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well birthday season officially started recently with a bang. The first of the birthday procession was my dear friend, who is known affectionately as Princess Buttercup, who recently turned 11. Happy Birthday PB! The get-together for Buttercups party was a lot of fun.

However the next party I attended had a few problems. A young family member of mine turned five a few days ago. The official party took place on Sunday, August 17th. Mom and Dad are separated, and heading towards the big D. Dad and the birthday boy are currently living with me. However the parents reunited for this party- that took place at my house, of course.

First off, bitch-mom (yes it is a deserved nick-name) insisted on making the cake. She wanted a Lego shaped one. The cake she made did look like a Lego. A Lego that had been left in a microwave for about 30 minutes, on high. It was completely deformed. So, another family member provided an ice-cream cake at the last minute. Bitch-mom was pissed that her freak of a dessert was being supplemented by something that looked like a cake.

Bitch-mom was not going to show up, originally. Her family was having a party on Saturday. But the she heard that dinner would be provided, and she had the bright idea of inviting her entire family (most of whom are struggling to make ends meet). They cancelled their Saturday party in favor of attending the one on Sunday--- the one with free food. Don’tcha just LOVE people who only show up to get something decent to eat?

I found this out at the last minute, and started cooking extra. When bitch-mom was asked about making this a pot-luck, she snapped, “If my family are going to come over here, we are going to feed them.” We? Excuse me but I don’t consider a jacked up looking cake as helping to feed a hoard of freeloaders.

Bitch-mom did not buy her child a present. Can you believe that? She was honestly shocked that she should have bought something. Her quote was “I made the cake, didn’t I? That’s my present.” Yeah, what every five year old wants as a gift, a mongoloid confection.

Did the rest of the moochers bring presents? Yes, they did. Were they clothes too small for the five year old to wear? Why, yes they were.

As they began snooping throughout my house, I had to keep herding them back to the party. God, I love been a guide-dog for retarded semi-relatives. Finally the glorious moment came when they were going to leave. Out walked bitch-mom. Out walked her siblings and in-laws. The only one remaining was bitch-mom’s mom. I was sitting by the door, and as the last of the moochers walked out (with the exception of the grandma-bitch who was still piling up a ‘to-go’ plate) and they did not bother to close the door!! The AC was on, and it was hot out. So I reached over, and slammed the door. I did not realize that bitch-mom was coming back to see what was taking her mother so long.

Everyone stopped talking, and just stared at me. That was my first clue that something was up. Then they all started to laugh. Several people gave me air high-fives. OOpps on my part. But, unlike a lot of crap I do, that really was an accident.

After that, everyone seemed to have a great time!

Asian Eddy Strikes Again!

2008-08-13T20:23:00.001-07:00

Okay today I was at work, when I get this phone call. It was my BFF Asian Eddy doing a strange voice. Not only was she doing a crazy voice, she was acting WACKO. I was grinning so big at the time.

I was professional as she asked about charges on her card. I mean, I can play along with a prank phone call, after all.

What is your card number?
I think I never had one, I just use my Sears card I think.

Uh, okay. What is your name?
-something hard to understand-

Can you spell that for me?
I think it is spelled... -HUH? You THINK you know how to spell your last name?? -

-I type it in- And your first name?
I always wanted to be Carlotta.

Birthdate?
Yes.

No, what is your birthdate?
-She gives me one AND it matches the name she gave I begin to suspect that this is NOT my BFF but instead a fake BFF who is just some random crazy person-

I had to repeat ever single book that she had out four times. FOUR. So, while this was not my BFF, Asian Eddy still gets props for doing a prank phone call... 'cuz I know out there she is responsible, and this is to get even for the online voodoo doll incident. Which, of course, I was innocent of. Really. It was Lydia's fault for not stopping me.

Funny, but oh so wrong!

2008-08-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone, this is wrong in many many ways, but too funny to pass up. Check out this spoof on a 1950's educational video.

I've had it with your crap

2008-08-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

When do you know that it is time to throw in the towel and walk away? That is the question that I have been asking myself a lot recently.

The answer? Now. Now is the time.

You see, for a while now I have tried communicating with a long time friend. I say communicating because I have tried e-mail, phone, and sending messages through third parties.

No real response.

This person is one of the most passive-aggressive people that I have ever known. I have a feeling that I have been convicted of some crime, real or (most likely) imagined, and this person is either writing me off or punishing me by blocking me out.

Or, if I am imagining being shunned by this person, at the very least there is a lack of motivation on their part. A lack of motivation to try and remain friends. Lack of motivation even common courtesy to return phone calls and well-wishes for various events in their life. This has gone on, in various degrees, for a long time. Slowly building over a couple of years.

Whatever.

I have thought this over. Part of me wants to try and demand an explanation. But, since I keep meeting with the attitude of a two year old who doesn't want to talk, I really doubt that there is much that would be gained.

I guess I am just tired. Tired of the crap. Tired of the lack of courtesy. Tired of reaching out to
only be ignored.

Again- Whatever.

So, I have just decided to say goodbye. I doubt this person will ever read this, or even care if they did. To be honest, after years of trying to stay in touch, to stay friends, and having them only try a bit when it was convenient for them, and months of flat out ignoring me, I have gotten to the point of not caring at all. I am just going to write this to get it out, and then... walk away.

So, a friendship ends. Not with a bang. Not with a whimper, but with just a shrug.

Fear

2008-07-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

My BFF, Asian Eddy, sent me this picture as a motivator. I loved it, so of course I added it to my blog.

Thanks BFF! You have all the rockin' pics.

I hope your recent vacation was great!

Miss you!

Sorry!

2008-07-20T16:28:00.001-07:00

Sorry for not posting much lately. There has been a bit of a hullabaloo around my parts.

You see, last week my mother was not feeling very well. I went over to check on her, and she was barely coherent, running a temperature, and having severe difficulty breathing.

When I asked my father what was going on, he said that she did not want to go to the doctors, and if she did not want to go, he would not force her. I kind of understand where he is coming from (sort of). He was a horrible husband for most of their marriage, and I think now that he is getting old and infirm, that he is trying to make it up to her by giving in to whatever she wants.

We got into a bit of a row about this. It ended with me calling 911 and getting someone out to my parent's house immediately.

Mom was admitted. She has an infection in her legs as wel las pneumonia. Most of my time has been spent going either to or from the hospital to see her.

Hopefully soon I will be back to blogging more frequently.

To date, or not to date?

2008-07-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

I thought about posting this next entry. Then I thought no. But now I am back to yes. I thought no, because this really is a horrible experience of a friend of mine. But, I decided yes for the same reason.

Okay, I have a really good friend who has a semi-large family. His family is also totally insane, and very, very dysfunctional.

Currently his sister is trying to set him up with a friend of hers. His sister's friend is way white trash, smells like a horse (she works with them so that is almost forgivable), describes herself as having almost as much of a sense of humor as Michael Jackson. BTW, she is serious when she says it, which kind of scares me.

Oh, she does not read. Anything. Not even the Enquirer. It is too hard. Her words, not mine. Yes, earwax has about as much intelligence as this lady. Sorry, I did not mean to insult earwax.

She is kind of unkempt, and built like a pro-football player. With one exception. She has large boobs. This is why my friends sister thinks he would be interested in dating her.

Oh, wait, there is more! This girls mother carried on an affair for several years with my friends father. Open family secret there, BTW.

Now that you have some of the history going on here, my friend's sister and this girl cornered my friend the other day. The topic, was, of course, him going out with the line-backer. My friends sister proceeds to tell my friend that this girl is good in bed.

Was the chick embarrassed by this? Did she even attempt to stop this horrible topic? No. No she didn't. She very sincerely and honestly told my friend. "I'm great in bed. Just ask your brother."

Before running away, my friend told them that was a definite deal-breaker, right there. Ewww! My friend is also beginning to look into getting some therapy.

Whose side are you on?

2008-07-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

When you point a gun at a Mouse, who do you think will win?

That is the question that soon will be hitting the courtroom in Florida.

The issue is the second amendment. The right to have and bear arms. Recently Florida passed a law that allows workers, who have a permit to carry a concealed weapon, to keep a gun in their cars when parked at their places of employment.

Disney has continually been anti-gun at their establishments.

The NRA felt it had won a major battle.

However, never underestimate the Mouse. There is an exemption in the law that allows "property owned or leased by an employer who has obtained a permit" under federal law for the use of explosives.

Has anyone ever seen the pyrotechnic programs at Disney? They are amazing! They also use quite a bit of explosives.

Disney has issued the statement that any employee caught with a gun in their car would be fired. Edwin Sotomayer, an employee of Disneyworld for 13 years, challenged the Mouse. He is currently suspended, pending a court hearing. Sotomayer stated: "I'm 100% behind the NRA and their legal efforts against Disney. I was suspended on July 4th and I will possibly will lose my job because I wanted to excersise (sic) my 2nd Amendment and wanted to feel safe during my commute."

So who will win? The NRA, or the Mouse?

Everyone has shit they do.

2008-07-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

OK, this is a pointless rant, I know. But I am just tired of a certain depressed lunatic bitch trying to make people feel like crap over everything, while at the same time acting like she is the innocent martyr. I would say victim, but martyr just fits so much better.

I am sure you all know who I am talking about. A very close friend of mine has a wife who can be sweet and nice, but really, when you scrape off the exterior paint, just is about as two-faced as you can get.

Everyone has shit they do. Really. Yes I screw up on occasion. I know that I am a Saint, and that I can (and frequently do) absolve myself of every little stain of sin. However, that also means that I realized I screwed up.

I am tired of hypocrites. Really sick and tired.

I want to shake this idiot and tell her that life is a mirror. Your actions come back at you. If you want to be included in things, then include others- make them feel welcome. By all that is holy, think about what you are doing. Do unto others, etc. etc.! Everyone sees what you are. Everyone has stopped caring about you. Why? Because you are a bitch to everyone, either to their face or behind their backs. Stop whining. Stop using people! You know what? There is a common denominator in all of your failures. YOU, you self absorbed holier-than-thou bitch.

I want to tell her to knock this shit off, and grow up. You are not better than everyone else. You hurt people and then get depressed when they turn away. What do you expect. Common courtesy is completely beyond you at times.

I want to tell her that she is a wife and mother in name only. She is not a partner in a marriage, she is a leach. She is not a true mother because her love has conditions. She cannot handle the stress of dealing with the harsh realities of being a "mom" or "wife" to anyone who is not as perfect as she sees herself. You know what? You, my dear, are way more handicapped and defective than your family.

However, this is not my fight. I want it to be. Sometimes I need it to be. I want to sit her down and actually talk to her. But, like I said, this is not my fight. She would not hear my words anyway. She is perfect. I am wrong because I cannot see, and express, how perfect she is, and how the world is not fair to her. Baby, suck it up. Life, at one point or another is hard on everyone.

All I can do is distance myself as much as possible from her actions, realize that she really is just a lunatic, and scream in frustration when I am alone.

I blog, therefore I bitch.

New blog look, what do you think?

2008-07-06T20:58:00.001-07:00

Everyone,

Okay, I have been playing around with the basic look and design of my blog. I was curious what my two readers think. Any input?

Thanks!

4th of July

2008-07-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

Well the 4th of July has once again come and gone. I'm already looking forward to next year!

The friends!
The food!
The fireworks!
The family!

I was not able to spend time this year with everyone that I wanted to. Perhaps next year. But, still, the 4th was full of good times had by one and all. Even my oddly behaving family behaved this year. I swear, it seems that the only time we can act like a normal family is when things are about to fall apart.

But, to one and all, I hope you had a wonderful 4th of July, and that the hangovers are not too bad this morning.

YOU TUBE ROCKS!

2008-07-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have a friend, who we will call "Martika" (WHOLE 'nother story there) who is simply awesome.

Recently she was in a play in Sacramento. This is not a big shock to most people. Martika is a very talented lady. However there was a music video made from her play. It came out very well, though parts of it are a bit disturbing. The video hit Youtube, and already has a cult following.

Ok, I am not sure if it is a good cult, or a bad cult, but hey it's a following!

Here's to you, Martika, and the awesomeness that you are!

Constant memories, revamped lyrics!

2008-06-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, tonight a friend came over, and we listened to music. One of the songs brought back a lot of memories of a very special group of friends. The song is "Get a job" by Offspring.

The reason this song brings back memories is that my dear friend Amber revamped the lyrics. I could not help singing the changed lyrics. The song brought a smile to my face. So, to all the "gang" here is the revamped classic by Amber.

My friend's got a girlfriend and he hates that bitch
He tells me everyday
He says I've really gotta lose my chic
In the worst kind of way

She sits on her ass
Dan works his hands to the bone
To give her money every payday
She wants more dinero just sit at home
Well my friend you gotta say

[chorus]
I won't pay
I won't payA
NO waaaay
Donna why don't you get a job?

Say no way
Say no wayA
no waaay
Donna why don't you get a job?

Guess all Dan's money
Well it isn't enough
To keep her bill collectors at bay
I guess all his money
Well it isn't enough
Cause that girls got expensive taste

If you would like to watch the Harry Potter version, just click play!

A table of trouble

2008-06-28T06:59:00.000-07:00

Well last night several friends, and associated significant others, gathered around a table at Chevy's. The night was both happy and sad.

Happy because we are a wonderful group of friends, and always have a good time in each other's company. We drank, we laughed, we shared stories from our past. We talked about the good times and the better times.

At the same time it was sad. Sad because two of my friends were laid off from work. These are people that I have shared a great deal of my life with in the last few years. It is a fact that, on average, the people that you work with you will see more often and for longer periods of time, than most of your family members. My two friends, Asian Eddy and someone we will call "Lydia" have been there for me through everything. We have shared so much with each other that it is hard to think of walking in to work and not seeing them there. It is depressing.

Well, we had a great time. I know that we will still get together, and there will still be great times ahead. But, it will be only occasionally, and that is a terrible feeling.

MY FRIENDS, THANK YOU!

2008-06-18T22:11:00.001-07:00

Well this is it. Tomorrow. The big day. The big change. THIS. IS. IT.

I just want to say thank you to all of the people who have been so supportive for the last couple of months, and that last few weeks especially. You are the truest friends anyone could ask for!

You put up with my whining.

You laughed at my bad stress relieving jokes.

You did not laugh at me for being totally freaked out.

Thank you. Thank you for all of that. The phone calls to make sure I was doing ok. The offers to either stay over, or to stay over at my place. The offers to distract my family so that they would leave me alone.

WOW. I knew I had great friends, but... WOW. Thank you. I am so totally freaked out about tomorrow. I know, some of you think that is silly, some of you think I should just run away, but all of you have been great.

Thanks for being there.

PT Nun & Family, thanks for taking me to see a movie, just "one more time." Asian Eddy, you are awesome- it really is all about you. Brain & Ink, thanks for the really lame jokes.

To one and all. Thanks. I hope I can be as good of a friend to you, as you all have been to me. I would say I will post and let you all know how it went, but... from the comments I got, I think I will be getting a lot of "Are you ok?" calls.

Talk to you all soon!

A B-a-a-a-a-d movie

2008-06-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

As you all know, I love movies. I even love bad movies. I've seen a lot of bombs in my time, and now own a big percentage of them.

My latest purchase on DVD is called "Black Sheep." And, before you ask, it is NOT the movie with Chris Farley.

Black Sheep is an Australian movie. It happens to be one of the goriest movies that I have seen in a while. It also happens to have extremely funny moments.

It's a bad.. I mean, B-a-a-a-d movie.

Give it a try- hey if you want, you can borrow it!

CHECK OUT THE TRAILER!

THE PHOTO SAYS IT ALL

2008-06-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, I just thought this picture was blog-worthy.

Quotation Challenge

2008-05-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

Okay! I know I have not posted in a while.. as my firends keep pointing out. Here is a post that I have been thinking of for a while... Movie/Television quotes. Here are some of mine- Now a challenge for all of you... post your favorite quotations and lets see who has the best quotes out there!

Sleazy entertainment and dirty jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial.

- Marge Simpson (The Simpsons)

Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.

- John (The Rock)

She has thighs of steel and nipples to match.

- Thelma (Hex)

Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.

- Mrs. White (Clue)

Let's just think about this for a second, shall we. I am out of your league, I'm so out of your league, that if your league exploded, I wouldn't hear about it for three days. So let us go on in a companionable silence shall we.

- Nicole (The Librarian)

How's your mama? We went out.

- Freddie (Double Take)

It doesn't take a Nazi rocket scientist to figure *that* out.

- Catcher Block (Down With Love)

Attention: Starting Monday, all nurses must wear underwear.

- Annie (Young Doctors In Love)

Trust me... I'm a psychopath!

- Hyde (Jekyll)

The truth is - are you listening, Billy? The truth is, if I'm being honest, if I'm not winding you up... I don't get a lot of pleasure out of killing... But I get enough.

- Hyde (Jekyll)

Communism was just a red herring.

- Various (Clue)

Do you know how frustrating it is, being a lesbian ghost?

- Thelma (Hex)

Sometimes laughter is the only weapon we have.

- Roger Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)

NO NO NO!!!! I'm pissed and going to rant, beware!

2008-05-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

Recently my library system decided that, we are in the middle of a recession. Shocker, huh?

At a meeting management unleashed their new plan to deal with budget issues. Included with this was the termination of ALL part time staff. That's right. All. This is close to 150 or so people. There will be about 40 or so part time jobs that will be open in the next fiscal year. Current part time employees have been invited to apply to gain these positions. When trying for these positions, seniority will not be a factor.

Can you say "popularity contest"? I can.

Many attended this informatory meeting, few survived. However some of the employees caught the tidbit thrown in the middle of the speech about how everyone was special. This tidbit mentioned that they had been looking at this problem for over a year.

OVER A YEAR folks.

While this current plan will allow the library to survive - barely- let us take a look at how the management has handled things for over a year in response to this growing crisis.

Management has been continuing to hire, and promote, tons of new employees. Almost every week or so we received news announcements saying to welcome a new employee, or that that employee was promoted to a position that was not there before. Such as extra clerical positions.

Management received bonuses during this past year, and pay increases... they were doing such a great job, they deserved them.

Management sent employees to an expense-paid conference near San Diego, at an exclusive resort.

Management encouraged employees to go here, there, and everywhere for trainings that were nice, but not vital to the library system.

This year of increased expenses, when they KNEW what the next fiscal year was looking like makes no sense.

Why not do a hiring freeze last year? Reduce some library hours? Limit promotions? Start cutting non-essential staff positions in light of budget cuts.

What are non-essential staff positions, you might ask. Here is a list:
1) Librarian trainees- These are trainees for librarian positions that we are not going to create. 40K a year each.

2) Our P.R. manager. Public relations is nice, but since we now have no budget for many programs and activities, do we really need an 80K a year P.R. person to send formulaic calendars, that will just say when our remaining storytime hours are, to the printer? This job could be done by a secretary or another manager. 80K could help a lot of others keep their jobs.

3) Payroll & accounting. Our staff is getting slashed. How many accountants do we need to process payroll? How about going from 3 to 2?

No, all of the above positions are remaining. Part time employees who are "lucky" enough to come back will be given anywhere from 10-20 hours a week, maximum. Not the 30-35 that they need to survive.

This includes a woman who has worked for the library for 25 years, and who has a daughter to support.

A young woman, and dear friend of mine, who has worked for the library for several years. Her husband is getting laid off from his job.

Another dear friend who works her butt off, and who has a few cats and a new puppy to support.

College students who are paying for housing.

A husband and wife, in their late teens, who just got married.

These are some of the people who are being displaced, who make factions less than non-essential positions... while the library has been tossing money around for the last year. Their jobs could have been saved by just being a little bit frugal.

Does this affect your dearly beloved Berserker? Well, my job is safe. But it does affect me. These are my friends. My extended family. These are the people I share everything with. Yes, this does affect me.

My friends, I love you all. I want to grab on to you and say "Don't go. Don't leave me." I'm selfish. This hurts, so very much.

NEVER SAY GOOD-BYE

The thought & fact that you’re going
Is something I will never believe,
To me this is all a joke
Like someone is playing a game with me

At times we could not stand each other
But yet I still loved you
So now that you’re leaving me
What shall I ever do

Being here without you
Is something I just can’t see
Life, period, without you
Is just not right to me

I know there will be no on like you
No one with your unique style
You are so special to me
Now who will keep me from going senile?

Pigeon wants a puppy - a study in low self esteem

2008-04-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

Recently at work, a book was passed around. The pigeon wants a puppy, by Mo Willems.

Is this a children's book, you might ask?

Well... yes, it is being marketted that way. However, this innocent looking book is much, much more!

Pigeon wants a puppy is an interesting social commentary on our times.

You see, Pigeon, the main character, can seem to only find happiness in material things. In this case, a puppy.

Pigeon needs validation. His life and emotional stability revolves around gaining a puppy who he will love. more importantly, who will love him.

Sad? Yes.

But how many times have you heard someone say that they need something, or they will just die. Do they??? No. Disappointed when they do not keep that promise? Yes!

But, I digress.

Think about what can make you really happy, people! Not puppies. Not jewelry. Not someone else. Only you can make you happy! YOU!

And would you like to know the secret of how you can make yourself happy?

Go to the library and check a book out on it!

Or, donate money or books to the library... a selfless act like that will make you happy. Really. It is not because we are on a tight budget, and I want to keep my job. No! This is about YOU. Your happiness. And your happiness depends on libraries, and happy librarians.

Really.

Would I lie to you?

Happy Earth Day!

2008-04-22T04:37:00.000-07:00

To everyone out there...

Happy Earth Day!

EARTH DAY POEM

by Jane Yolen
I am the Earth

And the Earth is me.

Each blade of grass,

Each honey tree,

Each bit of mud,

And stick and stone

Is blood and muscle,

Skin and bone.

And just as I

Need every bit

Of me to make

My body fit,

So Earth needs

Grass and stone and tree

And things that grow here

Naturally.

That's why we

Celebrate this day.

That's why across

The world we say:

As long as life,

As dear, as free,

I am the Earth

And the Earth is me.

New look for a classic cartoon

2008-04-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

In the years since I was a little boy, things have changed a lot.

Take the characters from GI Joe for instance. They have now been updated for a more realistic and modern feeling. While they may look like the cartoon characters you grew up with, they have changed with the times!

Check them out. I dare ya!

Now how did that one song go? OH YEAH. Something like this ... "My blood runs cold- my memories have just be sold..."

I have connections, baby! Yeah!

2008-04-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine has a younger sister.

Her younger sister has a friend named Erika Lujan.

This friend, Erika, was recently caught with a small arsenal of stolen firearms.

Erika, and a few friends, were involved in a robbery of a gun collector. They stole a van full of guns, intending to sell them, and nearly got away.

A note to thieves and gun-runners. When you have an SUV full of illegal weapons, drive carefully. It seems they crashed, and flipped over while on the freeway. Guns went everywhere.

My friend is a bit disturbed that one of her sister's friends was doing this for extra cash.

Personally I think it is kind of funny. In a roundabout way, I have some serious connections! Plus it makes me feel a bit better about my freaky family.

If you would like to check out the story, here is the link.

Not much else to say

2008-04-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

Here is a link to a post I just read from a friend of mine. 'Nuff said.

If you feel like a little Italian...

2008-04-14T06:46:00.001-07:00

Okay, I am going to take a moment from my Disney memories to share some important information.

On Saturday a few of us got together for dinner and a movie. It was a welcome home bash for a friend of mine. He had been gone for a while to get some training down in So. Cal. Actually he was staying in a hotel about 10 blocks from Disneyland. A company paid-for hotel room down near Disneyland. Some guys have all the luck!

Anyway, he got home on Friday, and the bash was Saturday. We decided to play it by ear and see what happened.

This was, after all, supposed to be a cool outing. A celebration! Finally we decided to go to the Garlic House in Oakdale. We roll up only to discover that the location was no longer a beloved establishment, but was now Bocelli's Restaurante.

We decided to give it a go. We walked in the door of this little hole-in-the-wall eatery, and entered an extremely elegant Italian restaurant. The restaurant was charming, the staff on the ball and cheerful. And the food.. out of this world! If you have the good fortune to enter this realm of fine dining, I highly suggest trying the chicken linguine with goat cheese. Don't be put off by the cheese.. this dish is completely amazing. Other dishes, such as the lasagna and seafood raviolis are also fantastique!

Seriously, this place could give any of the nicer restaurants in the area a serious run for its money.

This is a place you want to take someone to impress them. It's a little bit of a drive, but totally worth the time! Besides, on the way back, you can catch a movie at the Riverbank Galaxy theatre.

Check it out and enjoy!

The ones that got away

2008-04-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

During my recent visit to the happiest place on Earth... DISNEYLAND.. there were a few interesting events.

I was there with just a couple of people, a friend of mine and his son. My friend made a couple of new friends. They followed him EVERYWHERE with their cute pink pastel blue backpacks. It was so cute, they even asked him- and his son and I- to dinner. His son was holding on to my hand, and I think they thought that he was my child, and my friend was... well.. available.

When we said we already had reservations somewhere else, they started talking to my friend. Would he like to go to the arcade later? What about ice-cream after dinner?

You know I am the very soul of kindness and compassion. Out of the depths of my heart I offered to take the little guy back to the hotel after dinner, so my friend could have a night off to himself.

The guys then asked him about going on some rides? I had a hard time not laughing. I said that my friend looked like he needed... a ride. I thought he was going to kill me. My friend declined the offer.

Over the next several days we saw them several more times. Each time they were very friendly towards my friend.

As for me? Well I will never let him forget the ones that got away. What else are friends for?

By the way, we ran into them in the Buzz Lightyear line at one point. After the ride Disney allows you to send yourself a free photo- taken on the ride. Instead of choosing the photo of me, or my friend and his son (we had tons of those already). I selected the photo of the two guys who were after my friend.

I figure I can print it out and send him periodic reminders. But for now.. here are the guys!

It's my ass, not yours!

2008-04-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

I love Disneyland. I really do. It is the most wonderful place on earth. That said, I ave to admit this last trip was a bit disturbing.

Why you may ask. The park was great. The rides thrilling. The attractions were attractive. The food was edible and pricey.

So what was my problem?

The kids. I know I know. You are thinking that Disneyland is for children. I agree, it is. Actually I think Disneyland is for everyone.. but definitely kids. HOWEVER my ass is not. That's right, my ass is not for kids.

At Disneyland I learned a disturbing fact. My ass is a kid magnet. I started keeping track.. 18 adorable little tykes grabbed my ass at one point or another. Toddlers would grab to hang on in order to walk. I had one kid rub my butt. Another kid put his hand in my back pocket and walked along.

Hello! Private territory there!

And the parents did not seem to mind. That was the creepy part!

The kid who put his hand in my pocket, for instance... his parents were about seven or eight feet behind me... I looked back, and there they were looking... but not doing anything. I had to say "Excuse me, but I think I found one of your children." before they actually did anything.

I have long known that I am adored by kids and animals. I think it is because I am on their intellectual level or something. I have a pretty calming effect on them... but come on! It's my ass people! So your kid is smiling.. so what? Letting your child play with the ass of a stranger is NOT a good thing.

Luckily one of the people I was travelling with is 4 1/2 years old- who has a problem with strange children. When other kids touched my ass, he would stick his hand in their face and say "Go 'way." God I love that little guy. But it is pretty bad when I have to say that my ass was protected by a four year old little guy.

Ok, I am finished ranting. I'm still disturbed and deeply traumatized by this issue, but I am done ranting.

DISNEYLAND BIRTHDAY BASH

2008-04-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

You are all invited!

Well I just got back from a trip to thre happiest place on Earth.. Disneyland! While I will have plenty of exploits to blog about, I wanted to issue an invitation first.

You see, I found out that the Small World ride opens back up on my birthday. So, to celebrate this year I am hoping that friends and family will join me in a birthday bash at Disneyland. You have until November to save up, but make plans and reservations now!

I am a superhero!

2008-03-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

After taking the superhero quiz, I have at long last joined the ranks of superheroes! For those who may scoff at this, let me tell you, this quiz is dead on! It gave me a superhero name that totally fits. It also recognizes my power...

I am THE SARCASTIC AVENGER with the power to interupt cell phone reception!

Take the test and post what your superhero name is!

My new favorite song!

2008-03-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have a new favorite song (for the moment) and a new favorite group (ditto).

The song is called "I can't decide" and the group is the infamous Scissor Sisters.

It is a very jaunty sounding song, with lyrics that I have to admit are disturbing a few of my friends, and most of my family. But me? I love this song! While I really do enjoy this song, there are only a few hidden meanings. After all, for me, when I meet someone, I can decide, and pretty quickly too.

Read some of the lyrics below...

OR click play and listen in and sing along. I dare ya!!

....Oh I could throw you in the lake
Or feed you poisoned birthday cake
I wont deny
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone

Oh I could bury you alive
But you might crawl out with a knife
And kill me when I'm sleeping
That's why...

I can't decide
Whether you should live or die

Oh, you'll probably go to heaven
Please don't hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It's cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We're going for a ride
And..
I can't decide
Whether you should live or die

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE COSMOS???!!!???

2008-03-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

Ok my BFF, also known as Asian Eddy, was recently turned down for a job with the Sylvan School District.

Something must be out of alignment with the cosmic forces. A.E. is a very talented and caring person who is gifted with many outstanding abilities. How could she have been turned down for this position?

HHmmm. I have a theory.

I believe that the Daughter of Satan, otherwise known as the Conniving Egomaniac Narcicist, has somehow cast a spell of depression and chaos on all that she touches. This dark fiend must be stopped. Must be destroyed! Why did we ever get rid of the Witch Hunt?

Asian Eddy, I know that this is a rough break for you, but things will get better. You are a super person, and you deserve the best. And, if you need to go out drinking, I and someone we will call "Lydia" will be happy to go out with ya. After all, there has never been anything that a healthy alcoholic addiction could not cure :)

PHOBIAS AND ME

2008-03-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, an uber friend of mine and I were recently comparing phobias. It seems that we share quite a few. Here is my top 10 list of personal phobias.

10) Hidden cameras in public restrooms. It happens. Also, see #3 for further toilet trauma.

9) Ghosts. There is a debate on whether or not ghosts exist. EVP is a recorded (get it?) phenomina. I don't know if they exist or not, but the thought of something undead talking to me.. no. Just... no.

8) Spider-goats. What the fuck were scientists thinking about?? I have a hard time thinking that playing with D.N.A. and splicing it up is a good thing. I watch the Sci-fi channel. I know what happens.

7) Tom Cruise. I know. Silly phobia, but his acting scares the bejesus out of me! The only way someone could get so famous with so little ability.. pact with Satan. After all both Scientology and Satan starts with the letter S! And L. Ron. Hubbard... both the last name (Hubbard) and Hell start with H. Can we get any more clearer folks?

6) Midgits. You all know what I am talking about.

5) Some children that I know of. I swear, if I had not been to their house on a couple of occasions, I would think these kids lived in a corn field.

4) Boats. Face it, horrible things happen on boats. Such as the Titanic, Laci Peterson, and this! (which was recently reported by a friend of mine)

3) Public Toilets. Guys trying to cop a view of my ding-dong in the loo really creep me out. Seriously. When a guy leans over the partition, looks down at my dingleberry, and says "How's it hangin'?" it really freaks me out.

2) Spiders. The Evil One, known as my sister, put spiders on my pillow once, and then work me up. Totally traumatized me for life.

1) Ok my top phobia... CANADIANS. Those of you who know me understand why.

What's the problem with masturbation?

2008-03-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

One of the people I work with... we will call her "Martha"... recently had a touchy question. A young man, and his girlfriend, came in to the library on a Tuesday.

All the crap happens on Tuesdays by the way.

He shooed his girlfriend away while he asked Martha for some books. It all seemed very suspicious to Martha.

HIM: "I would like some books on mumble mumble."

MARTHA: "What?"

HIM: "I would like some books about mumble mumble."

MARTHA: "WHAT?!?"

HIM: "Could you get me some books on pause-mumble masturbation?"

MARTHA: "Sure thing." Well Martha worked her mojo with the computer, and soon had compiled a list of available resources. Like a miniature (she's short.. I mean really short) whirlwind, Martha went into action, pulling items off the shelf for her mumbling customer.

MARTHA: "Here you go. This book talks about how the body works. It tells how this is a natural urge. This book," Martha opened one up with how-to pictures in graphic detail, "..this one shows different methods and.." The boy rudely cut Martha off at that point.

HIM: VERY clearly this time... "I said I wanted books on EMANCIPATION! I just moved out of my parent's house..."

So what is wrong with masturbation? Absolutely nothing. But, sometimes, someone is only looking for a helping hand, not a hand-job.

But, good going Martha! If he really had been in touch with his sexual needs, you would have done a great job! That is what working in a library is all about... helping the customers, and good customer relations and service. I guess you could say she was just trying to rub the kid the right way.

What is it about Tuesdays?

2008-03-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

Speaking of In-Shape (see this week's mis-hap below), I had been intending to publish this post for a couple of weeks now. It seemed that Tuesdays are a day of danger, mystery, and misunderstandings.

On a Tuesday past, a friend and I were out looking at joining a gym. I really want to get into better shape, and my friend? Well my friend is a great person who said that if I joined, he would go as well since I might be more inclined to stick with it if I had a gym-buddy. I now have two friends who I go to the gym with... I'm a lucky librarian.

But, back to the story! Ok, so it is Tuesday, and we decide to check out Gold's Gym. We are greeted by a woman we will call Stacey. Stacey is short, stocky, butch. She shook my hand, and OH MY GOD. I thought that parts of my hand were broken! My friend, when we compared notes later, said he wanted to drop to his knees and start screaming, LET GO.. LET GO.. THE PAIN...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (fucking) AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Anyway the gym seemed well.. it gave off a weird vibe. I don't have anything against gay people, I just happen not to be one. The gym seemed to be geared as a gay-haven in the middle of a red necked town. That, ans fear of Stacey, drove us away.

We went to In-Shape. We liked the look and layout. The people were friendly. We decided to join. I asked about a group rate, since my friend is kind of tight on cash right now. We told the guy this, and the fact that my friend was only joining to help me out. The guy said "no problem" and quoted us a rate that was only a few dollars more than the single membership. Huh? He then informed us that we could get a family rate, if he marked us down as "partners."

Ok, as I said I am not a homo-phobe, but I am a penny-pincher. In the eyes of In-Shape, I now have a domestic partner. Oh lord.

We then go out to Best Buy. I had a couple of movies to get, and my friend was going to check into a game or two for his PS3. I wanted two movies (because I am kind of odd and have an odd taste in movies). When a big burly bearded sales associate came up asking if he could help us find a movie, I said, "Yes, we are looking for Hitman, and Nancy Drew." The guy looked over at us, put on this crappy smile and said "I bet you two have been waiting for Nancy Drew for ages..."

Ok I know Nancy Drew looks like a girly movie. Ok it is a girly movie. I get that. But I grew up watching reruns of the Nancy-Drew/Hardy Boy mysteries, and this one looked stupid-funny. (small off-note comment. Nancy Drew is actually a pretty funny movie, with a good mystery going for it.)

So now no only does In-Shape tell me I have a domestic partner, but this goober at Best Buy is saying that we are gay. (another side note- While I am currently single I am not gay. While my friend is married with a child he is not gay either). Ok, so I am not gay, but I do get in people's faces, and I am totally improv when it comes to yanking people's chains. And, well I do so love yanking chains!

In a flash I became super-nelly-gay-man with a backbone! I snapped my fingers up in the air and said, "Hold on a moment Laura Ingles! There is only one little hole on the prairie that I will even think about prairie-dogging." The guy looked shocked. This was all I needed, in my insane desire to yank chains, to go on.

"We're committed to each other. I'm flattered that you want some of me. I know you can tell I am large and thick.." his face started getting red... "And I know you want to taste my honey, baby, but well.. we don't do threesomes." I patted his arm, and he jumped back, fear in his eyes, now that other co-workers were looking on.

I had an audience. I'm evil. I do not get embarrassed. I was pissed. NEVER put those elements together.

"Honey," I purred, "I'm sure you will find a nice guy.. or ten, to take you.. in hand.. or I know this butch bull-dyke named Stacey (see above) who will be more than happy to strap something on, and ride you hard and fast... if you are only looking for that?"

Gosh, he looked like he was going to cry. He scrambled back, and my friend started laughing. "God, I cannot believe you did that.. " then he shook his head "Actually I cannot believe you did not do something worse."

Well, while creative, that was the first thing I thought of. Besides, when actually dealing with homo-phobes, best way to freak them out.. tell them they are a little gay bitch.

NEW POST TOMORROW... When a co-worker who we will call Martha, has to deal with the touchy subject of Masturbation... get it? Touchy subject?

AAAAAYYYYAAAAAAAA!

2008-03-19T18:55:00.000-07:00

Ok so I was at In-Shape, and got attacked by a tredmill. Seriously! It cut through about a fourth of an inch of leather and padding of my shoe, shredded my sock (no, the hole was not there prior to this happening), and cut into my foot. The momentum has left the right side of my foot, and the top, one huge bruise.

Why me?

HORRIBLY SHOCKING!

2008-02-05T20:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, for all the freaks who are my friends... here is something to make you feel a little more normal.

There is a site online with several videos. They are horrible. Awful. Nightmarish. And as hard to turn away from as watching a car accident. Go on and take a peek. I dare you.

http://www.secretsauce.tv/

PS. Asian Eddy, my dear BFF, Hairyback is for you. You will know who it is reference to.

In case the site is down (it has been having some problems) here are a couple of their videos on Youtube...

United 300
How to bang my wife...
Snakes on Claire Daines

TIPS FROM THE STUPIDITY OF 2007!

2008-01-26T14:18:00.001-08:00

Okay I was looking back on 2007 and realize that it sucked ass in a lot of ways. Some things were good, but really like every one else, I tend to take the good things for granted. But the bad things, well those stay in my mind.

A lot of bad things happened to me and friends this past year. Some of it was random. Some of it was because of malicious assholes. But, most of it was because of sheer stupidity. Yes, I used the S word. STUPIDITY. I'm not immune. My friends are not immune.. if they were, well I am sure they would not be where they are today.

Anyway, I have compiled a list of stupid things/ideas/actions from 2007, as well as tips on what to do instead. Yes, this list is written sarcastically, but the sad part is, all items on this list are real, and happened in 2007. Some of them happened to more than one person. We'll call this stupidity squared, or in some cases stupidity cubed.

So read on and laugh. Or if any of this sounds like you, keep reading, pay attention to the tips then go out and get drunk. If more than one of these sounds like you... go ahead and get drunk. Then leave a suicide note before you do anything drastic. We all appreciate a note you know.

When giving a gift, try and remember what the person likes. Inappropriate gifts, such as only giving a T-shirt to your spouse who you know spent several hundred dollars on you for Christmas does not cut it. Avoid lame-assed gifts at all costs... the person you give it to will remember and next year you will be stuck with a lame-assed gift. Tip: Give a gift card if you have no idea what to get!

The last person you should ever screw over is the one who knows the most about you. If you go out to a bar dressed up as a woman and your wife does not know.. never ever piss of the people who do know. Tip: Always have counter-blackmail available.

When asking for a raise, never use the phrases "or else," "I'll quit," "moron!," or "I'm irreplaceable." Fact is you are replaceable. Someone else will do the job for less. Someone else will be able to do your job better than you. Use the time-honored protocols for asking for a raise.. a sick family member, a new member of the family (your mother and father in law is moving in with you) that you will have to support... or your hamster is on life-support or needs expensive plastic surgery. Tip: Lie! Kiss up! Use diplomacy! Blackmail helps!

Some movies just suck. Some movies suck and blow at the same time. If you drag a group of friends to see a shit-fest on film, have the decency to apologize to them. DO NOT try and pretend that it was the best/funniest movie ever! Tip: Read the fucking reviews in the paper!

When you think your spouse does not like you, there is a problem. If you don't want to get divorced because of the kids, there is still a problem. If you are happier when you see your spouse for only a few hours a day, there is a huge problem! Tip: Either get counselling or get divorced.

If a dog barks, growls, and/or snaps at you, run! Don't try to be friends... get the fuck away! I am a firm believer that insurance should only cover accidents and acts of nature, not stupidity, so be prepared to pay for your rabies shots on your own. Tip: Animals don't like you.

If you can't cook, don't experiment in the kitchen. Here is a tip, when the stuffing comes out hard and chewy, don't eat what you cooked! Your cooking is illegal and inhumane. Tip: Go to a restaurant or order delivery.

Sex is meant to be fun and had on a regular basis. If you don't enjoy having sex with your partner or only have it on very rare occasions, this means either one or both of you are doing it badly, or you are gay. No exceptions. Tip: Hopeless.

If your wedding costs less than $100, is attended by guests with a police record, and the father of the bride comes in a stained flannel shirt... it's going to suck. It is not the best wedding of the year, and is probably in the running for an award for freakshow of the year. Tip: Use a wedding planner!

The Nintendo Wii was never intended to be a marital sex-aid. If you need to use a game console to jump-start sex, something is wrong. Tip: Family games should not become x-rated. Tip #2: Wipe off the controllers before the kids use them. Ewww!

Your boss is not your friend. Boss = Big Opportunity Stealing Shithead. Found in rural and urban areas, this creature is never to be trusted and cannot be house-broken. Tip: Approach with extreme caution.

Customer service is a must have. Never take shit from a counter-person! You are paying them. Remember that! They are like a prostitute, and you are the John. Don't accept a handjob when you want to get blown! Life is like Burger-King. It should be done your way. That does not mean behaving like an ass, but don't let retail-ho's walk all over you! Tip: Grow a set of balls!

On the subject of oral sex... oral sex means using your mouth on someone, not from a distance! In other words, SUCK BABY SUCK! Blow is just an expression! Blowing on someone's neck is one thing, and it can be romantic and erotic. Just blowing on their vagina/cock is lame. Tip: If you can't use tongue, you better be good at giving hand-jobs!

Back on the subject of retail... it does not matter how much you save during a sale if you can't use it or wear it, it's a waste of money. If the shoes look great and are a decent price that is a good deal. If those same shoes do not fit, just give me the money. Either way it will be gone, and at least one of us will be happy. Tip: Just give me the money anyway.

Well those were tips from the stupidity of 2007. May 2008 be a hell of a better year!

A NEW YEAR & NEW DREAMS

2008-01-01T21:30:00.000-08:00

Well I did not get off my once a day blog until the new year, and I apologize. I will try to do better, and soon I will have my 2007 recap posted. Yes I am still working on it.

Anyway, for those who got me through the season, thank you for all of your help. For those of you who comforted me all through the seasonal family pissing contests, my friends I love you all. Thank you for a wonderful Christmas Day, and New Years Eve. Who knew the hell-i-days could be fun?!?

For my truly fabulous friends at work, including my BFF, you guys are awesome. Thank you so much for all of the fun in 2007, and 2008 will be even better!

And for any romantic out there... let your dreams guide you, let your heart speak for you, and let yourself be happy.

For all of you I wish the best. Happy days. Happy New Year!

Here are some lyrics from Jon McLaughlin's song "So Close."

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on
For only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive
A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted
To hold you
So close
So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far
We are
So close
How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

On the first day of Christmas bitching....

2007-12-25T17:03:00.000-08:00

Wow!

I did not realize how long it has been since I have posted on here! I guess that I am a bad blogger.

Anyhoo, I thought I would get on here and post some reflections of this Christmas. A lot has happened, and the season of good cheer I think needs a rename. Season of the perpetually pissed bitches and bastards, perhaps? Of course Christmas should also be subtitled "Season of the fucking mornon."

I will try to post once a day until the New Year, at which time I will bitch about this year, and complain about next year. So if you like rants, strap in and hang on because I am ogoing to open up the season bitch session with a bang!

Take my work. Every year a bunch of us send out cards to the elderly in care-homes so that they know someone still remembers them, even if their families don't. We send out cards on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, and one or two other days through the year. This year a spam-note was sent out to all of us caregivers by another librarian where I work stating that we should skip Easter this year and instead send a card on St. Valentine's day.

The reason? This well-learned matronly librarian stated that "Easter is a Christian holiday, and a lot of people do not celebrate Christian holidays." They went on to say that they still felt it okay to send out the Christmas cards, however, since EVERYONE celebrates Christmas.

Huh! This led to a debate at the library system where I work about whether or not Christmas is really a Christian holiday anymore. Most agreed that Christmas is not really a Christian holiday.

It used to be.

Huh.

A few days later a retired coworker sent me an e-card, which asked for Christians to make a stand. To retake Christ-mas! Yes, the card actually spelled it "Christ-mas." I also asked all Christians to remember that it is a Christ-mas tree, not a holiday hedge, or some other nick-name! Things of that nature. I thought it was good timing. I shared this tidbit of an e-card with a co-worker with whom I had already exchanged solstice gifts with.

This co-worker and I often mock those of extreme points of view. The so-called Christians who either do not go to church, or only go to get heaven-points and promptly forget about anything their minister may have said. Or those bible-thumping god-whores who tell you that they know what is right and you don't.

Of course we also mock the tree-fucking hippies who want everything to be so blandly politically correct that any type of free thought is now branded as racists, inciteful, and morally irresponsible.

Here is a copy of our e-mail mockery-exchange, hope you enjoy.

From: Anonymous
Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2007 11:45:43 -0800
To: Berserkermailto:BerserkerLibrarian@asshole.christmas-not.com
Subject: Re: Fw: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Christmas Tree

:: so.... have you decorated your holiday hedge yet?::
:: (ha!!!):: ::

Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2007 12:54:51 -0800
From: Berserkermailto:BerserkerLibrarian@asshole.christmas-not.com
Reply-To: Anonymous
Subject: Re: Fw: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Christmas TreeMessage

Anonymous,

This year I have decided to forgo the traditional sacrifice of a living being and dressing it up like a seasonal strumpet of the $2 variety.

Upon consideration, it has become hard for me to reconcile idea of a season of "good cheer" and "hope" that is based upon the murder of an allegedly innocent man of possible celestial descent, and reenacts his sacrifice with the deaths of our woodland soul-brothers and soul-sisters of the fir-tribe.

Also, I cannot in good faith continue to support a capitalistic endeavor which promotes raping the land of natural beauty and resources, in addition to giving silent consent to deforestation.

Hoping this letter finds you in peace and harmony, if that is your choice. I would never attempt to force you to feel happiness, if that was not your choice... After all, we must all follow our inner voices, not that I am belittling those who have inner choirs, and have been forced to wear the schizophrenic label perpetuated by the single inner-voiced "man," nor am I stating that only those of the male gender may be considered part of the allegedly established hierarchy that tries to govern our lives. I am not also mocking those of the paranoid persuasion, whose viewpoint is entirely valid.

- Jim ... a name that I was not born with, but have chosen as my own, and that I do not hide behind, but accept for all that it represents.

PS. Trees are way too fucking expensive this year!!!!

Good kids are hard to find, so keep looking!

2007-10-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry about not posting lately, but after I got back from the Holy Land (a.k.a. Disneyland) things got pretty busy. By the way, photos and stories will be uploaded soon, I promise!

However I had to post this. Last week the library I work at had a class visit. For those of you who do not speak libraryese, what this means is that a classroom of children made a visit to the library.

This time it was a class of second grade kids, so ages about 7 or so. This is an important fact, okay? The kids had a blast, we did a mini-storytime for them, showed them all around the library, and answered any questions that they might have.

One young kid, we will call him Tyler (and, Asian Eddie, it is _not_ that Tyler either, this is a younger version) was asking questions of a coworker of mine, who was already wrangling three other children. So I stepped in. He wanted books on how to speak German, and I thought he was a neat kid... not many want to learn another language at 7. I showed him where the books to learn German were, as well as books on tape and cd, so that he could listen to the sounds of the words. He was really enthusiastic. Then he asked for books about Europe. I showed him the section, and that is when he opened up.

He was so happy, and said that he was German, and wanted to see pictures of where his family came from. Out of all the kids who were running around throwing books around, I got the one kid who really wanted to learn. It was awesome! So I said that I am Irish. His smile got bigger and said that his grandmother was Irish, but the rest of his family was German.

When I asked if he was going to go to Germany sometime for a vacation, he somberly replied, "When I am an adult." This kid was acting so politely, and so mature, I really was impressed by him, and how he was being raised by his family.

But you know what? NEVER EVER make assumptions!!! I forgot that bit of wisdom!

Because next the kid, about 7 remember... told me that if the "coloreds" kept taking over America, he was going to move to Europe.

I was so freaking shocked by the little Nazi, I went in back, and told a co-worker. She took a look outside the door and said the kid had been snotty to her.

On his way out, he stopped, and tanked me for all the help I had given him, and said that if I wanted to know, his name was Tyler. Another coworker of mine, who had heard the tale by that time, said "I guess he can tell you his name, since you are white."

He's seven... and already has attitudes like that. Just shoot the parents.

THREE THINGS TO PONDER...

2007-09-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington?

And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're really not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

A moment of shame, a lifetime of memories

2007-09-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

There is a thing that is only talked of in whispers... only a few know of its existence, and fewer still have actually seen it.

What I am talking about is a strange ritual that happens every year. It is called the "Duck Race." This year I actually attended.

I kid you not.

You see I am this years co-chair for the United Way fundraising campaign in my library system. This event kicks off each year with, you got it, a duck race. However it is not just any ducks, but rubber ducks. Decorated rubber ducks. Decorated rubber ducks maneuvered by swimmers in costumes.

The rules are simple, all ducks must be on the same type of floatation board, all must be decorated, and each duck must have a swimmer to race it. The swimmer cannot touch the duck, or the board, but must create waves to propel the duck along.

Okay. I had heard of this before. I never thought I would go, but this year... since I am involved with the campaign, I was one of the lucky people to go.

Let me tell you, it really is as lame as it sounds. Oddly enough, however, it is a huge amount of fun! Lots of weird people (who am I to throw stones, right?) were there, cheering each other on. The ducks were very imaginatively done up, with themes such as "Ducky Potter," or "Ducky Balboa" and the swimmers... well they actually were in costume too. One swimmer went into the pool wearing the upper half of a tux. Another wore a tiara. The police department had a very interesting duck. It was painted pink. Neon Pink. Not only that, but the board it was on was also pink. With pink feathers. And glitter. Did I forget to mention the glitter???? The swimmer for this delight looked like the typical male cop. Until he did his Vanna White impersonation before diving into the pool with his duck.

Since then I have found out that there are many "duck races" all over the country. If you get a chance, please check this out. Not only is it a hoot to watch, but the money actually goes towards a good cause. And if you know one of the swimmers who might be competing.. well photographs can come in handy later on down the line. I'm jus' sayin'!

A family get-together, a lesson in manners

2007-09-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday I attended one of the most dreaded events of the year- a family get-together. It was a relative's birthday, and almost all of my very extensive family was in there. We are talking about close to forty people actually showing up.

As with all family affairs, our clan has various traditions that we adhere to rigorously. I used to think that my family was very dysfunctional, and that these traditions were very self-destructive, but over the course of time, I have realize that this is not so. Yes my family is moronic. Yes they are irritating, embarrassing, and sophomoric, but in comparison to lots of families that I know, well they are not that bad, and actually work well together in a twilight zone kind of way.

One thing that I have come to appreciate from my family, is the fact that manners are kind of important.

First off, there is always plenty of alcohol for the adults. Yes, I know that this does not set the best example for the children, but at least it sets a realistic one, as well as a lesson in good manners. When a relative gets obnoxious, do not yell at them or get into a fight or argument, just simply stand up, and excuse yourself with the loud comment of "Does anyone else want another drink?" Not only does this get out out of the idiot's diatribe, but it makes you look hospitable and caring about the needs of other family members.

Second, when two, or more, kids are fighting... NEVER get involved unless you are the parent. I have come to realize that the comment of "They're not my kids," actually translates into "I wish the children would behave, but I will not step on parental-toes, or belittle parenting techniques of others, and instead will relax, knowing that the children will be handled in a responsible, yet supportive fashion, once the parents are made aware of the situation." Yes, I am sure of this translation, and no, the fact that I often hide in delusions to escape stress when dealing with family has nothing to do with this translation. The voices told me so.

Third, if family arguments do happen, my family shows support to both sides by not getting directly involved, or taking sides. Instead someone will step in, near enough to the two combatants to be easily heard, and make a comment about a relative's boss (who most there have met) behaving like an ass to the relative in question, or mention some sort of tragic event, such as a beloved pets untimely demise under the tires of a hated neighbor.

This is done to the room at large, and others, picking up the intent, will start a conversation about it, asking opinions from the combatants, and drawing them away from an unseemly spat. This tactic, of family bonding through finding a mutual (non-family) target/enemy is a proven to be highly effective. Okay, so the most famous example of this is the Nazi party uniting the German nation through hatred of the Jews... but you have to admit it is effective. After the spat is calmed down, a day or two later everyone will, of course, talk to the two participants privately, and assure them that they were right, thus restoring family balance and helping to support the confidence and self-esteem of the two arguing relatives.

And fourth, all bitching about relatives will wait until you are alone with your immediate family, where you can unwind with additional alcohol. Or at a bar with additional alcohol. Or in your car, where you have stashed additional alcohol. While many might think that this shows an over-dependence on alcohol by my family, this is simply not true. We are just dependent enough on alcohol to make this bunch of polar opposite insane personalities tolerable.

While we may use alcohol as a crutch, any lesser being would have been driven insane by my family long ago. So, you see, alcohol addiction is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

DISNEY VACATION COMING UP!

2007-08-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

Everyone,

Well it is pretty much set! I'm going to Disneyland at the end of September (only four weeks away), and again at the end of October (for Halloween).

I have to admit that I am really looking forward to going! NOT that I don't absolutely love going to work, dealing with snotty people, dealing with hostile snotty people, dealing with hostile snotty children (in their case the snot is literal), but getting away every once in a while is a good thing to.

Soon in a few short (though they will feel incredibly loooong) weeks, I will have a bunch of goofy pictures to post... and yes I do mean *that* Goofy. I do not plan on posting anything that can later be used either as blackmail, or at my trial. Keep an eye out for news stories involving Disneyland at the end of September though, because knowing my personality and luck, I am sure to be involved!

So to celebrate, here are is a Disney Link, it is for a "secret" Disney site filled with fun and games. The password is Walt, by the way. I hope you have fun!

By the way, if you take the character quiz, please post which character you are most like! I'm Aladdin. Yes, I actually came out as a good guy.

Hope ya all have a zippity-doo-dah day!

Child of Satan found in library...

2007-08-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, my friend, Queen of Dysfunction, posted a blog on Tuesday detailing the trials and tribulations of children. The blog ended with a story about some hooker illegally parked in a handicapped space getting in her face for disciplining her child with a light swat.

ARGH! I just had to post after reading that blog.

A while back a couple came into my library. With... a child. The kid was out of control. Seriously, I think the the kid has the number 666 imprinted on the back of his neck or something.

I was happy when they walked on in, and away from me. I love kids, but some of them need a mute button, or a mute button plus a whole bunch of ductape wrapped around them.

Anywho... the parents go in, the kid runs wild for about half an hour. Then it is time to go. The parents try cajoling the child into leaving.

It does not work.

After ten minutes of mommy whining, "Come here Johnny. We need to go Johnny. Please, Johnny? Johnny, it's important we don't be late..." I was ready to hurl.

The father came up and checked out the books. He apologized for his son. The father just looked... well resigned I guess would fit.

Just after checking out this huge stack of books for their monster, the kid comes running up screaming at the top of his lungs, "I WANNA GET THE BOOKS! I WANNA GET THE BOOKS!"

The father said that he was sorry, but he had already checked the books out.

Johnny just started screaming louder (and I did not think that this was possible) "YOU FUCKER! I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU FUCKER!"

By the way, the charming little tyke was about 7 or 8 tops.

Mom came rushing up and hugged the kid. No, that is not a euphemism from smother.. it was a full-blown hug. And then said, "Johnny, we don't use bad words. Daddy is sorry he made you mad."

The father's head just dropped until his chin was practically on his chest, and closed his eyes.

In my head I was screaming WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I cannot believe that some parents think it is wrong to spank their children, but that it is okay for their kids to be just as rotten, crude, and abusive to other people as they want.

END OF RANT

SOAP BOX: Illegal Immigration

2007-08-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

Well it is Monday... first day back to work after a three-day weekend (for me at least). As I was getting the library ready to open, an article in the newspaper that I was processing caught my eye. The Monday edition of the San Francisco Chronicle, that is.

I am, at heart, a pretty liberal person. But this article made me rather mad. The article goes into detail how cracking down on employing illegal immigrants is bad. Harmful to businesses and will hurt California as a whole. The article went on to change the term from "illegal immigrant" to "undocumented immigrant."

Well, just excuse me. My car is white. When it gets dirty I might make a case that it is more of an "eggshell" color, but in the end it still is white. Changing the term does not change the over all fact.

A friend and I got into a heated discussion, which really boiled over when I used the word "criminals." I was told that I should not assume that all of the illegal immigrants, or even a majority of them, are criminals.

Hello? There is a reason the word illegal is in the term illegal immigrant. Means it is against the law. Also seems to mean that the people who fit into that category are breaking the law. Thus, I think, the term criminal fits.

One source stated, about the enforcement policy, "My gut feeling is that the government is going to have a hell of a time enforcing it," said Bruce Hill, chef and co-owner of Bix in San Francisco and Picco and Pizzeria Picco in Larkspur. "But if they can, and do, it will be devastating to the restaurant business."

Hill, who says he goes by the book, said there is no question that undocumented workers are the backbone of the industry.

"We hire hardworking people," he said. "And if he or she is a kick-butt employee, we (the industry) look the other way."

When you start saying the term "look the other way" it kind of implies that the business owner/manager knows what is going on. So why should they not be held accountable?

I have a problem with the whole illegal immigrant issue... actually a few problems.

First- There are people in California who want jobs, but cannot seem to get them. Why not employ Californians?

Second- Since getting rid of illegal help will endanger the business in California, I want to know one thing. WHY? The focus of a business is making a profit. If being forced to use people who can legally get a job would hurt a business... I have to ask why? The only way that it could hurt profits is if the employee you are looking the other way for is making less than you would have to pay someone who is here legally. That really bothers me. If someone is doing a job, pay them the right amount.. minimum wage... whatever! THIS IS AMERICA! NOT A KATHY LEE GIFFORD SWEAT SHOP!

Third- If a business owner is breaking the law, I think they should be held accountable. It's called being an accessory to a crime.

Fourth- In an age where terrorism seems to be a way of life, how responsible is it to allow people access to our country without checking documentation? For example, last September, when crop after crop seemed to be either recalled or trashed before it hit grocery store shelves because they were unsanitary to eat... here you have the illegal immigrants picking and processing those vegetables, and "something" in the water that they were being cleaned with was bad. And that, as far as I know, was an accident. How much easier would it be to spread some sort of bacterial agent on purpose when employers "just look the other way"????

I believe that those who are truly trying to come to America for a better life should be helped. But I also feel that those people should enter our country legally.

After all, if *I* go to Mexico or Canada (not a real country by the way... at least according to South Park) *I* need a passport. If you disembark from a cruise in Mexico or Canada, or just cross by car, the Mexican government checks, the Canadian government checks, why shouldn't we expect the same in return? That people crossing our border show us the same type of respect and documentation? Their governments require it. Why is it suddenly so wrong that our government has the same expectations?

Ok, I will get off of my soap box now.

STARDUST!

2007-08-18T10:54:00.001-07:00

A philospher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars?

"Or do we gaze at them because we are human?"

Pointless, really.

Do the stars gaze back, now that's a question!

Ok, last night I went out with some friends to see the movie "Stardust." Having only seen a few clips of the movie, and a few posters, I have to admit that I did not have too many expectations going into it.

The movie started, and the first few scenes were a bit slow, and I wondered what I had gotten myself in to. After the initial set up, however, the movie took off.

It was phenominal!

It had classic elements of fantasy, adventure, romance, and comedy that all seemed to fit well together.

While there were a couple of times that the movie did seem a bit long (ok at that point it was near midnight), it still felt well put-together. The movie did not rush through scenes, did not try to cram the storyline together to hurry it along, either.

The whole movie had the same feeling as some of my favorite fantasy films, such as "10th Kindom" and "The Princess Bride." Totally old-school but with really kickin effects.

The acting was superb. The storyline easy to follow. A great movie for just about anyone, including a younger audience. Though, to be fair, there is a large share of implied violence. You rarely see the gore, but "Stardust" will take you to the moment right before it happens and pan away. This may be too much for some small children, but on the whole... the movie is pretty perfect.

Though he only had a supporting role, Robert Deniro was awesome!

I hope everyone goes to see this instant classic.

Just a few questions

2007-08-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

Okay everyone, I'm back. Sotty I have not been posting much this past couple of weeks because guest blogging for Drunk Drama Queen took up part of that time, and the rest, well real life interrupted.

But there is something that really nagged at me that I would like to get off my chest, and a few questions that I would love the answer to. For those that know, yes I am unmarried. I would like to find the right person. I really would. A few times it seemed like I had, but I was wrong.

Anyway, let me try and stay on point. You see someone I know is engaged. Great stuff. Talks all the time about marriage plans. I asked recently how plans were coming, if a date had been set. The answer stunned me.

"I doubt we will get married unless there is a baby on the way. Until then... well there doesn't seem to be a point." This was from the bride-to-be.

Hello? The only point in marrying the guy you love would be because children are soon to follow? I just don't get it. Does anyone understand this?? Please explain it to me.

Ok, a question to anyone out there.. wed or unwed, single, divorced, or a murder suspect... I don't care, I just want to know the answer. Is it worth it? Marriage. Boiled down to the bottom, all the bad stuff out there... do you think marriage is really worth it?

You see I know lots of married couples. I know *exactly* two married couples where it really might seem worth it, and who really seem to go well together. TWO. Well maybe two, it could be just one, but I'm being generous here so I will say two.

Next question, for those who _are_ married. If given knowing what you know now, about how things turned out, would you still have chosen to marry the person you did?

I guess I think about these things. For a long time I thought that I just went after the wrong type of person, but now I am not so sure. It just does not seem like I am the only person to have picked unwisely.

So, am I missing out on something great here? Or am I one of the lucky ones an just don't know it?

See, deep at heart I am a huge romantic. I believe in love, and I know it takes work, I really do, but I also believe that it is worth that work.

But... well seeing how miserable most of the married people I know are, I have to wonder. Is it worth it?

I'm still a romantic. When I find the right person, I will never let her forget that she is the most wonderful lady in the world. But, I have to admit, I am getting to be a worried romantic.

Thanks for listening (reading) my tirade. I just needed to unload.

Mary Poppins - Poem of the Month

2007-08-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's August! Yet another month has passed away, never to come back this way again. With that depressing intro, here is the poem for the month of August..

The Death of Mary Poppins

Yes, I murdered Mary Poppins.
Dead with one thrust of my knife.
Her cheery dispostition,
T'was the reason I took her life.

Although she spread joy to the world,
With her famous smile,
Though she made children laugh,
I saw her bound and brought to trial.

Mary Poppins, yes, I condemed thee.
For all the love you gave
It was never, will never, be enough,
For the children you did not save.

Children who still remain hurt.
Children who still get abused.
Their terrors quite real,
Their lives scared and confused.

So, what about the ones
To whom you never came.
Who sat wishing for your touch
To take away their pain?

Mary Poppins, with empty words
You promised love and happiness.
But though you tried, you lied, and knew
Some would still suffer in darkness.

Mary Poppins, Marry Poppins,
How much harder it is to remain
Trapped in a life of tragedy,
Waiting for the promise who never came.

I murdered Mary Poppins.
Dead with one thrust of my knife.
You see, her cheery dispostition,
T'was the reason I took her life.

Baby news!

2007-07-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

Well everyone, on Friday my youngerst nephew decided to have a baby. Actually his wife, Amanda, decided it was time. Since she has been suffering for weeks now, Amanda is really happy that her bundle of joy decided to run away from her womb. BTW, that is her phrase, not mine.

With the help of the physicians at the hospital, little Logan Matthew came into this world at 21 inches long, seven pounds and eleven ounces. I am, once again, a great uncle... see? The word 'great' is automatically attached!

For those who know my family, and those who don't... yes this means that the redneck population in California has just increased.

Actually the kid is cute.. and I am going to try my darndest to make sure that he has a great life.

Here are a couple of photos of the cute kid, along with the proud father in one of them.

Hope you all had as great a weekend as I...

Harry Potter Mania!

2007-07-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

As everyone on the Planet knows, Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows is now out, and was an instant best seller.

Leading up to this, however, has been some intense Harry Potter mania! This past week the library that I work at has been hosting a series of Harry Potter parties, complete with a full cast of crutial "background" characters to make it a total smashing success. Figures such as Rita Skeeter, Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor Trelawny and others made the events memorable for everyone.

In addition to the Harry Potter takeover of the library system, I also attended the midnight Potter party at Barnes & Nobles. The night was full of fun... and some seriously deranged adults, myself included. Accompanied by a dear friend, a member of the Slytherin House, we made our way through the crowds, greeting friends, and gawking at a world of imagination gone into overdrive.

Everywhere you looked wizards, witches, and muggles ran back and forth. Making charms, having their fortunes read, and listening to Potter trivia ... the evening was full of magic in one form or another. By one a.m., though, I was tired, and at the same time still wound up.

A friend of mine, a little girl... ok she is 20, but I swear she looks like she is maybe 12, won the costume contest. Dressed up as Luna "Looney" Lovegood, she made an awesome character. When I get my photos uploaded, I will post a picture of her.

Another friend of mine, known only as her character "Rita Skeeter" was the total hit of the night! Pictures were taken of her, with various children and adults, on an average of one every five minutes or so. She was awesome! In fact, that is her in the picture with Gilderoy Lockhart.

The night was so much fun, I just wish all of my friends could have been there. Well maybe not all, some of them are not geeky enough to enjoy Harry Potter. However, if Rowling ever does write Harry Potter #8, or any other book in that universe, I am giving warning now to my friends [especially Drunk Drama Queen]... I will so be dragging all of your asses out with me, and we will invade, conquer, and then go get drunk. [heh, I know the promise of alcohol will hook them!]

I hope all of you enjoy the seventh Potter book as much as I am. And as for a spoiler, only this... fist casualty happens on page 56. Friends of mine, nearby as I was reading, heard me exclaim... "Damn you, J.K. Rowling.. you bitch!!!"

And, in honor of the serious nature of Harry Potter... a few links to Youtube for some awesome music videos. PLEASE watch them. The first is an unusual romance... and the other one... well every time I see it I am still shocked, and still laugh my ass off! Both videos are really well done, and deserve some kind of award. Maybe.

These are videos that a group of friends and I found while surfing Youtube for the first time while looking for stuff on the tv show Hex, which is the most fucking awesome show ever!

Hermione & Draco, a love story.

Tra-La-La. OMFG! This is soooo wrong!

Foul Demons of Stupidity... BEGONE!

2007-07-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I am a stupid magnet. I am also a freak magnet, psycho magnet, and a loser magnet as well, but right now lets just talk about the demons of stupidity that seem to be drawn to me.

My ex-boss, who still cannot comprehend why he was fired, still comes in to the library where I work. He still sends e-mails to my work e-mail account. Both of those are mildly annoying. However he comes in or e-mails to tell me what to do. I keep wanting to ask him what part of being fired did he not get? Well now he has started sending me e-mails ordering me to tell *my new boss* what to do. I'm sure I will rant about him at another time, but there is more.

Libraries should attract smart people, but they don't. Today I was stuck training a new employee for six hours. Have you ever seen the movie "Clueless"?? Well this guy is the retired geriatric male counterpart to most of the teens in that movie. He has had FOUR WEEKS of training so far, before he got to my branch for additional training. I swear someone is out to get me.

He's a nice old man who is near the end of his life. Or I hope he is... really he does not have much to look forward to. It took three hours to teach him how to sign people up for the computers. *NOT* to assign them a computer... just to sign them up. The process is, I admit very confusing, and I am sure that I was explaining it in very technical terms. "Bill, just write down their first name, and the initial of their last name." EVERY freakin time someone came up to sign up for the waiting list, he would say "You will have to wait a moment, I have not been trained in that." I would then go ahead and go through it again... "First name, Bill! Last initial!." In the three hours we were signing up, we had 65 people sign up for the computer. I had to correct him each time, or show him how to do it... again. 65... I counted. It was on person 66 that he started to realize what first name, and last initial meant.

Friends if I get that bad, kill me. Put me out of my misery. You can even do something creative and sell the video on E-bay. Seriously... If I am flat-lining that much, I doubt I would notice a thing anyway!

And finally, the one that takes the cake! I saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix this weekend at a local theatre. And at the concession stand was a young man who needs to be neutered before he reproduces. We'll call him Jeremy.

Jeremy: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, we have a coupon for a free small soda, and I would like a blue rasberry icee.

Jeremy: I'm sorry but the only icee machine we have working now is blue rasberry.

Me: [blink]

Jeremy: Would you like one of those?

Me: Yes.

Jeremy provides an icee that is more liquidy than a soda, and I mention that it is way too watery.

Jeremy: It is?

Me: [dunking my finger in it and swishing it around] Yep. Feels that way. We will just take the small soda, and instead of an icee, a large water.

Jeremy: Ok. What type of soda do you want?

Me: [first consulting with my friend who the drink was for] Coke.

Jeremy proceeds to WASH OUT THE FREAKING CUP that the blue rasbery water was in, and then fills it up. With sprite.

Me: Uhm, we wanted coke.

Jeremy: Yes [hands me the sprite and then goes off to get me a large water]

Me: Jeremy, this is sprite.

Jeremy: Didn't you want a coke?

Me: Yes

Jeremy: Then why are you asking for sprite?

Me: I'm not, Jeremy. We want a coke. Dark brown.. fizzy... coke.

Jeremy then dumps out the blue rasberry icee cup that is filled with sprite, washes it out, and starts to put in coke.

Me: Can we have a new cup?

Jeremy: This is a new cup.

My friend, sensing my distress, tells me to forget about the new cup.

Jeremy: That will be $13.

Me: For water?!?

Jeremy: [looking at the cash register] For the icee, water, and the soda?

Me: The soda is free. Free. Means no cash needed. Coupon... you take that, but not money. And we did not take the icee because it was defective. Like a condom that I think was used sometime in the past that is affecting me right now.

Jeremy: You don't want the soda?

Another young helper stepped up, and it took about 20 seconds to get the transaction right. I asked if Jeremy was new... I was told that yes he is, he had only been there for several weeks. Several weeks???

Harry Potter Movie

2007-07-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

Let me start off with the standard disclaimer... this post contains no spoilers. I *refuse* to ruin movies for people. It is an awful thing to do, and people who give away key parts of a movie should be exiled!

This weekend I went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Okay, actually I saw it twice (I was invited by a few different friends).

Those of you who have seen my Transformers movie review know that there were two movies that I was greatly looking forward to this summer, Transformers and H.P. #5. This was a movie that I had been waiting to see... ever since the last one had come out.. I admit it, I am a movie addict. After seeing one, I cannot wait to see another.

I'm a big fan of the books, and I have sincerely enjoyed all of the H.P. movies, even this last one. As you can probably tell, I am not ranking this latest installment of the H.P. franchise as one of the better films.

Don't get me wrong, please. I really did enjoy the movie! I went in with expectations suitably lowered by my insightful friend Beth, and I have to admit from the early quasi-negative friend-reviews that I received, I was pleasantly surprised!

The movie, however, could have been so much more. I think that (without giving anything away) that the movie could have been editted a little better, with some scenes completely left out, and others lengthened, or added in all together. My one complaint for the movie was that it seemed to try to focus on too much, with little bits here and there on a variety of areas... and I would have liked to see it compacted and tightned up a little more. Heighten the suspense a notch, add in a little more humor. Show some cleavage!!! I mean, am I the only one who thinks Prof. Minerva McGonagall is hot???

Kidding!!!! She's a great actress though, and I think her barbed sarcasm could have been used a little more in several of the scenes. She reminds me of an older version of a friend of mine (DDQ). One of a kind, awesomely talented, and able to crush someone with a look or ripping comment.

The special effects were well done. The acting... well if you have seen any of the H.P. movies you know about the acting... some good, some bad, and always enjoyable.

Hhmm on my personal scale? It's a mixed review. If you can see it on the Imax, go for it! The 3d parts are a lot of fun! I think this movie calls out for a big screen... but over all, if I had to wait for DVD release, I would not have been crushed on seeing the final cut.

I admit, though, I am really looking forward to the DVD, and I am hoping that there will be a lot of extended sequences and (crossing fingers) a longer Director's cut.

Demons terrorize Librarian!

2007-07-10T19:46:00.000-07:00

I am a retarded-freak magnet, always have been. Just ask Drunk Drama Queen. But yesterday really took the cake.

Yesterday some of our regular internet-addicts came in to use the computers at the library. They come in every single day. You would think that by now they would know some of the basics...

Such as, while waiting please stop terrorizing people who are on the computers already. First off, it does not work. The people on the computers are also addicted, and even World War III would not phase them while they are getting their my-space fix. Second of all, you are pissing the staff off!

Next, when signed up for the computer, please stop looking at porn. The underage kids don't like seeing animals do things like that with people. Ok, maybe they do (really hick town here), but still. Also... you are pissing the staff off.

And finally, when you are signed up, please don't think it is ok to sneak a friend onto the computer during _your_ sign-up period. Particularly when the friend has already been kicked off for watching uncle Chester do the sheep he owns. That really pisses the staff off.

After this group was kicked off the computers, they actually were upset because we did not give them two warnings, and instead just kicked them off. Ok fuck-tards, we gave you two warnings three days ago, two days ago, and one day ago. Oddly enough, we are not giving out warning any more!

After they left, I got to go home.. actually I went to buy some new clothes. Got some pretty snazzy ones too... but that is another story. However I realized that the kids on the internet were not at fault, they were possessed by demons.

I know this because the demons followed me to the clothing store and possessed three little kids.

The kids were from a red-neck family who were also in the store, trying to find a suit for one of them to go to a wedding. I tried complaining that they were really out of control, but the sales associate got all defensive and protective of "God's little angels"... I have no idea why since she did not seem to know them personally. But they were not sent from the big G-man lady.

The kids realized they could go under the locked changing room "doors" and play unobserved. I tried to complain again about their behavior, and again was shot down.

The family got up there to purchase the suit, and realized that you can't haggle the price down. They called the demon-children out and left.

Then I went up to pay for my snazzy new clothes. The lady (by now I was thinking of her as Ms. Nazi Cashier Bitch) started reading me the riot act, saying I made the other customers uncomfortable and they left without buying anything.

That was it. I started yelling "MANAGER" as loud as I can. I am a loud guy. Mr. Manager came quickly, and I informed him of what his Nazi was saying to me...and she went off saying that I was picking on children and making them 'uncomfortable'.

The manager then turned to me and asked what the children were doing that was so wrong. My response? "Well, for starters, I tried telling this ... woman.. about the children and she would not listen." The manager started to get puffed up, but I continued. "I thought she would want to know that they were **PISSING** in the changing room."

The manager and sales Nazi went and verified the puddle.

Moral of the story? Complain about piss in a pretty nice clothing store and get and additional 25% off.

Movie Review: TRANSFORMERS

2007-07-05T12:53:00.001-07:00

First off I would like to say that this review does not contain spoilers.

As many of my friends know, I am a movie addict. I love going out to see them, and will often make plans way in advance.

This was the case for the Transformers movie. Months ago I started planning carefully. Who to go with, and what theatre to see it in (unfortunately it was not being shown on the Imax screen).

Well the fourth of July came, and a few adopted family members and myself set out to see the new Transformers movie.

For me this was one of the two must-see movies of the summer. The other being "Harry Potter #5". Sorry to all of you "Pirates of the Caribbean" fans. I loved the first movie, but the second one sucked, and the third one.. well it did not suck as much as #2, and was a lot of fun, but I truly hated the ending of #3.

But, I digress. Back to the Transformers. While this movie is one that I was greatly looking forward to, I have to admit that I questioned if it would live up to all of the hype from the year plus of ads and promos.

I had my checklist going:
1) See movie with good friends (the non drama-impaired kind): Check!
2) Get there early: Check!
3) Get good seats: Semi-check! We had good seats, though not in the center, but still good seats.

The lights dimmed, the music started, and the race was on! Would this movie live up to the hype, or would it be overtaken by the sucky-movie mobile?

Two and a half hours later I had my answer.

THE MOVIE ROCKED! I just wish that it had been shown on the Imax screen.

Transformers had everything that it advertised. Action, comedy, and (surprisingly) a really good plot and storyline. And the actors could ACT! No "Mannequin-Skywalkers" in this bunch! The performances were kept to believable levels, and not *too* over the top. A couple of times it came close, but still the actors managed to pull it off.

It was obvious that the storyline and concepts had been updated to fit the times. Great relief for me, since some of the '80's remakes lately still seem too dated. For instance, Bumblebee was changed from a classic VW bug, to a Camaro. While I missed the original Bumblebee, the new one still retained all of the fun and style of the original.

Colors changed a bit, with Optimus Prime gaining a new detailed paint job. However, like Bumblebee, all of the characters I grew up with still remained true to the 'feel' of the original. At least most of the time, but more on that later....

The storyline had changed a bit from the original, but I think the changes were good. Characters got a little more depth to them, and seemed more realistic and 3-dimensional. I just liked the characters more, and that was something I did not think would happen.

And the soundtrack... I have to admit I really enjoy a good soundtrack with my movie. The common concensus among those who went, about the soundtrack, was "must-own."

There were a few problems I did have with the movie though.

The language also got updated, and while it did, usually, increase the comedy level of the movie, seeing a favorite character use the term "bitch" kind of pinged with me. So, I guess, not all of the updating was a good thing.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind strong language at all, but it does have it's place. And I have to say that the place is not in a remake of a *kids cartoon*. For the most part, the language was usually appropriate for the original feel of the Transformers, and this movie did not hit the foul-language-keep-the-kids-away-at-all-cost meter, but maybe some of the language used could have been left out or modified.

The only other problem that I could see was a few continuity errors. Such as during a black out, all of the lights along the street are out, the people in the house are using flashlights to navigate... and an external shot of the house shows a dark neighborhood, but various lights still obviously working both outside the house, on the patio, and inside... windows lit, etc.

Ok, for the final verdict: This movie is a must-see on the big screen. It's even worth an evening ticket price (and for me that is saying something).

If you do go see it, I hope you have a wonderful time. The production company, directors, and actors have done a fine job of creating a movie that will help carry you away to somewhere else, and show you a fun ride getting there.

As the tag-line says, Transformers: More than meets the eye.

Poem of the Month

2007-07-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

Well since I am way new to blogging, I thought I would start off with a poem I wrote... since I doubt anyone will ever see it anyway :)

But if you do, please be kind in your criticism.

THE KNIGHT

His armor glints in the mid-day light.
Visor down, his face hidden from view.
All they see of him, his armor.
No one sees, no one knows,
The man inside.

Ready for the next battle,
One in an endless theme.
He hides his wounds and his scars
Behind a metallic sheen.
No one knows the man inside.

Does he smile, when he cries,
It's all the same
To the world outside.
His visor down, his secrets safe,
No one knows the man inside.

In time, he himself has forgot,
Who he is, and who he was.
His armor shields him tight,
His outer shell now more real than he.
No one knows the man inside.

Then one day, the armor rang hollow.
It's folds of metal guarding no one.
All that remains- the brightly polished
Armor, standing alone, empty.
No one ever knew the man inside.