Okay I was looking back on 2007 and realize that it sucked ass in a lot of ways. Some things were good, but really like every one else, I tend to take the good things for granted. But the bad things, well those stay in my mind.
A lot of bad things happened to me and friends this past year. Some of it was random. Some of it was because of malicious assholes. But, most of it was because of sheer stupidity. Yes, I used the S word. STUPIDITY. I'm not immune. My friends are not immune.. if they were, well I am sure they would not be where they are today.
Anyway, I have compiled a list of stupid things/ideas/actions from 2007, as well as tips on what to do instead. Yes, this list is written sarcastically, but the sad part is, all items on this list are real, and happened in 2007. Some of them happened to more than one person. We'll call this stupidity squared, or in some cases stupidity cubed.
So read on and laugh. Or if any of this sounds like you, keep reading, pay attention to the tips then go out and get drunk. If more than one of these sounds like you... go ahead and get drunk. Then leave a suicide note before you do anything drastic. We all appreciate a note you know.
When giving a gift, try and remember what the person likes. Inappropriate gifts, such as only giving a T-shirt to your spouse who you know spent several hundred dollars on you for Christmas does not cut it. Avoid lame-assed gifts at all costs... the person you give it to will remember and next year you will be stuck with a lame-assed gift. Tip: Give a gift card if you have no idea what to get!
The last person you should ever screw over is the one who knows the most about you. If you go out to a bar dressed up as a woman and your wife does not know.. never ever piss of the people who do know. Tip: Always have counter-blackmail available.
When asking for a raise, never use the phrases "or else," "I'll quit," "moron!," or "I'm irreplaceable." Fact is you are replaceable. Someone else will do the job for less. Someone else will be able to do your job better than you. Use the time-honored protocols for asking for a raise.. a sick family member, a new member of the family (your mother and father in law is moving in with you) that you will have to support... or your hamster is on life-support or needs expensive plastic surgery. Tip: Lie! Kiss up! Use diplomacy! Blackmail helps!
Some movies just suck. Some movies suck and blow at the same time. If you drag a group of friends to see a shit-fest on film, have the decency to apologize to them. DO NOT try and pretend that it was the best/funniest movie ever! Tip: Read the fucking reviews in the paper!
When you think your spouse does not like you, there is a problem. If you don't want to get divorced because of the kids, there is still a problem. If you are happier when you see your spouse for only a few hours a day, there is a huge problem! Tip: Either get counselling or get divorced.
If a dog barks, growls, and/or snaps at you, run! Don't try to be friends... get the fuck away! I am a firm believer that insurance should only cover accidents and acts of nature, not stupidity, so be prepared to pay for your rabies shots on your own. Tip: Animals don't like you.
If you can't cook, don't experiment in the kitchen. Here is a tip, when the stuffing comes out hard and chewy, don't eat what you cooked! Your cooking is illegal and inhumane. Tip: Go to a restaurant or order delivery.
Sex is meant to be fun and had on a regular basis. If you don't enjoy having sex with your partner or only have it on very rare occasions, this means either one or both of you are doing it badly, or you are gay. No exceptions. Tip: Hopeless.
If your wedding costs less than $100, is attended by guests with a police record, and the father of the bride comes in a stained flannel shirt... it's going to suck. It is not the best wedding of the year, and is probably in the running for an award for freakshow of the year. Tip: Use a wedding planner!
The Nintendo Wii was never intended to be a marital sex-aid. If you need to use a game console to jump-start sex, something is wrong. Tip: Family games should not become x-rated. Tip #2: Wipe off the controllers before the kids use them. Ewww!
Your boss is not your friend. Boss = Big Opportunity Stealing Shithead. Found in rural and urban areas, this creature is never to be trusted and cannot be house-broken. Tip: Approach with extreme caution.
Customer service is a must have. Never take shit from a counter-person! You are paying them. Remember that! They are like a prostitute, and you are the John. Don't accept a handjob when you want to get blown! Life is like Burger-King. It should be done your way. That does not mean behaving like an ass, but don't let retail-ho's walk all over you! Tip: Grow a set of balls!
On the subject of oral sex... oral sex means using your mouth on someone, not from a distance! In other words, SUCK BABY SUCK! Blow is just an expression! Blowing on someone's neck is one thing, and it can be romantic and erotic. Just blowing on their vagina/cock is lame. Tip: If you can't use tongue, you better be good at giving hand-jobs!
Back on the subject of retail... it does not matter how much you save during a sale if you can't use it or wear it, it's a waste of money. If the shoes look great and are a decent price that is a good deal. If those same shoes do not fit, just give me the money. Either way it will be gone, and at least one of us will be happy. Tip: Just give me the money anyway.
Well those were tips from the stupidity of 2007. May 2008 be a hell of a better year!
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