MISUNDERSTANDINGS

MISUNDERSTANDINGS
-or-
The continued stupidity of 2008

Okay everyone, the stupidity of the first half of 2008! Some of this is me. Some of this belongs to other people. I will let you guess what stupid stuff I have done this year. And if you think a statment applies to you, and you are getting pissed... uhm.. then that event was completely made up and is not about you at all!!!

If it is on my desk, it is probably not yours.

If you continually don’t make an effort to bring food to get-togethers, and always show up late, don’t be surprised when it all gets eaten before you get there.

Slander = VERBAL misrepresentation.
Libel = WRITTEN misrepresentation.

If an event occurred, then it is not slander to mention it, or libel to write about it!

If someone gives their OPINION on an event that really did occur, it still is not slander or libel.

If no names were mentioned at all, yup! Still not slander or libel.

If it is not your birthday, YES you have to wait for the b-day person to arrive before cutting into the cake!

If you invite someone to an event, stating “We decided at the last minute to have (event name).” and then carp about people not showing, DO NOT try and say later “I left a message for you two months prior to (event name).” Just fess up and say you didn’t really want that person there to begin with.

If you are continually depressed, and absolutely refuse to do anything to fix it, please understand that after a few months, people might stop caring.

If a dog barks, and bit you in 2007, don’t think that it might be friendly to you in 2008!

If you bring your ass to my house after 9 p.m., bang on windows, wake my ass up, just to get inside and bitch at someone, then call other people on the phone to bitch at them, THINK AGAIN. This is disturbing the peace and the police will be called next time. Especially if my neighbors complain AGAIN. Wait till the next day. After 10 a.m. People might be sleeping in!

If you book a hotel for only $45 a night, don’t get upset that it does not have the best location!

If you borrow something, give it back. Don’t say someone else gave it to you as a gift and try to keep it!

If you are trying for oral sex, use your mouth on flesh. Do not just blow on someone’s crotch and think that does it!

If you need to use a Wii for jump starting your sex life, give up.

If you have several children with various physical or emotional problems, your life is going to be difficult. If you cannot handle that, don’t take it out on the kids. Get help or give the children up. There is no excuse for parental abuse!

If you feel badly, and are doing EVERYTHING the doctor told you not to, don’t complain about feeling badly!

If you write a blog, and people get pissed about what you write, you should expect it. The internet is wide open.

If you think the world is about you, think again. It is ALL ABOUT ASIAN EDDY! I’ve accepted that, now it is your turn.

Don’t say you are divorced when several people you know go online to check court records periodically. Just grow a pair and be honest.

If you are a habitual liar, don’t be surprised when people call you on it.

If you are really into something, like online games, great! However, not everyone wants to hear every little detail about your online exploits!

If you win $30,000, share.

If you get a dream vacation to go somewhere, and a guest cannot go due to vacation time at work, don’t mention the names of any celebrities that you met, and hide the pictures for at least six months.

If you have insane relatives, NEVER let your new significant other meet them before the wedding!

If you borrow DVD’s from someone, make sure you return them. Until you do, no more rum cake!

If you have a friend who has a serious medical problem, call them. If you don’t you are a sucky friend and should suffer. Eternally!

If you think you are in the wrong, you probably are. Apologize.

Having your child spend the night does NOT mean someone else putting them to sleep before you get home, and then picking them up as soon as the child wakes up.

If you are separated from a total loser wife, and you begin dating an 18 year old model who not only is intelligent, but EVERYONE LOVES, don’t think that maybe you should try and work things out with your loser wife. Just move on! Everyone will be happier!

If an old woman asks you to cut her hair, don’t. This will only end in tragedy.

If a homeless person asks you for a ride, don’t. Your car will smell for at least a week.

TIPS FROM THE STUPIDITY OF 2007!

Okay I was looking back on 2007 and realize that it sucked ass in a lot of ways. Some things were good, but really like every one else, I tend to take the good things for granted. But the bad things, well those stay in my mind.

A lot of bad things happened to me and friends this past year. Some of it was random. Some of it was because of malicious assholes. But, most of it was because of sheer stupidity. Yes, I used the S word. STUPIDITY. I'm not immune. My friends are not immune.. if they were, well I am sure they would not be where they are today.

Anyway, I have compiled a list of stupid things/ideas/actions from 2007, as well as tips on what to do instead. Yes, this list is written sarcastically, but the sad part is, all items on this list are real, and happened in 2007. Some of them happened to more than one person. We'll call this stupidity squared, or in some cases stupidity cubed.

So read on and laugh. Or if any of this sounds like you, keep reading, pay attention to the tips then go out and get drunk. If more than one of these sounds like you... go ahead and get drunk. Then leave a suicide note before you do anything drastic. We all appreciate a note you know.

When giving a gift, try and remember what the person likes. Inappropriate gifts, such as only giving a T-shirt to your spouse who you know spent several hundred dollars on you for Christmas does not cut it. Avoid lame-assed gifts at all costs... the person you give it to will remember and next year you will be stuck with a lame-assed gift. Tip: Give a gift card if you have no idea what to get!

The last person you should ever screw over is the one who knows the most about you. If you go out to a bar dressed up as a woman and your wife does not know.. never ever piss of the people who do know. Tip: Always have counter-blackmail available.

When asking for a raise, never use the phrases "or else," "I'll quit," "moron!," or "I'm irreplaceable." Fact is you are replaceable. Someone else will do the job for less. Someone else will be able to do your job better than you. Use the time-honored protocols for asking for a raise.. a sick family member, a new member of the family (your mother and father in law is moving in with you) that you will have to support... or your hamster is on life-support or needs expensive plastic surgery. Tip: Lie! Kiss up! Use diplomacy! Blackmail helps!

Some movies just suck. Some movies suck and blow at the same time. If you drag a group of friends to see a shit-fest on film, have the decency to apologize to them. DO NOT try and pretend that it was the best/funniest movie ever! Tip: Read the fucking reviews in the paper!

When you think your spouse does not like you, there is a problem. If you don't want to get divorced because of the kids, there is still a problem. If you are happier when you see your spouse for only a few hours a day, there is a huge problem! Tip: Either get counselling or get divorced.

If a dog barks, growls, and/or snaps at you, run! Don't try to be friends... get the fuck away! I am a firm believer that insurance should only cover accidents and acts of nature, not stupidity, so be prepared to pay for your rabies shots on your own. Tip: Animals don't like you.

If you can't cook, don't experiment in the kitchen. Here is a tip, when the stuffing comes out hard and chewy, don't eat what you cooked! Your cooking is illegal and inhumane. Tip: Go to a restaurant or order delivery.

Sex is meant to be fun and had on a regular basis. If you don't enjoy having sex with your partner or only have it on very rare occasions, this means either one or both of you are doing it badly, or you are gay. No exceptions. Tip: Hopeless.

If your wedding costs less than $100, is attended by guests with a police record, and the father of the bride comes in a stained flannel shirt... it's going to suck. It is not the best wedding of the year, and is probably in the running for an award for freakshow of the year. Tip: Use a wedding planner!

The Nintendo Wii was never intended to be a marital sex-aid. If you need to use a game console to jump-start sex, something is wrong. Tip: Family games should not become x-rated. Tip #2: Wipe off the controllers before the kids use them. Ewww!

Your boss is not your friend. Boss = Big Opportunity Stealing Shithead. Found in rural and urban areas, this creature is never to be trusted and cannot be house-broken. Tip: Approach with extreme caution.

Customer service is a must have. Never take shit from a counter-person! You are paying them. Remember that! They are like a prostitute, and you are the John. Don't accept a handjob when you want to get blown! Life is like Burger-King. It should be done your way. That does not mean behaving like an ass, but don't let retail-ho's walk all over you! Tip: Grow a set of balls!

On the subject of oral sex... oral sex means using your mouth on someone, not from a distance! In other words, SUCK BABY SUCK! Blow is just an expression! Blowing on someone's neck is one thing, and it can be romantic and erotic. Just blowing on their vagina/cock is lame. Tip: If you can't use tongue, you better be good at giving hand-jobs!

Back on the subject of retail... it does not matter how much you save during a sale if you can't use it or wear it, it's a waste of money. If the shoes look great and are a decent price that is a good deal. If those same shoes do not fit, just give me the money. Either way it will be gone, and at least one of us will be happy. Tip: Just give me the money anyway.

Well those were tips from the stupidity of 2007. May 2008 be a hell of a better year!