The dead rise, and fun ensues!

Okay, two of my friends, who I thought had dropped out of orbit for a while, contacted me recently.

First my dear friend, Professional Student, called me up and we went out for a fun filled evening. For those of your who know him (Part-time nun, and Asian Eddy)... he is doing well. He's back in school, and having a lot of fun.

We went out to see Tropic Thunder- ok, I have already seen it, but the movie is so f-ing funny, that I enjoyed watching it again. But then, I like playing with cat toys too, go figure.

Then, TODAY, another long thought dead friend called. We will call her "Lydia." That's right, the L-person called. She is doing great, although still not working. Ok, I like the money I get working, but hearing her say she gets to sleep in till around 11 each morning makes me think that maybe I have this work=food+shelter concept all wrong! She wants to do a get together with me and my BFF, Asian Eddy, possibly next week. WOOO. For those of you who are not sure what this means.. STAY INDOORS. Do not walk on the sidewalks. And, if you do go out, and you see three rather odd people dancing on the table and singing "I got friends in low places," ..... well I DID try and warn you!

Happy Happy Day!

On this day, only (mumble) years ago, a little child was brought into this world. Since then she has brought joy to countless lives. Uhm, I am not sure how many. Didn't I already mention that they were countless? If I could count them, then they would not be countless, would they?

Anywho, back to the story. In time this cherubic little girl grew up, and realized that something was missing from her life. An alibi. And so she and I became friends.

Happy birthday Part Time Nun!!!!

MISUNDERSTANDINGS

MISUNDERSTANDINGS
-or-
The continued stupidity of 2008

Okay everyone, the stupidity of the first half of 2008! Some of this is me. Some of this belongs to other people. I will let you guess what stupid stuff I have done this year. And if you think a statment applies to you, and you are getting pissed... uhm.. then that event was completely made up and is not about you at all!!!

If it is on my desk, it is probably not yours.

If you continually don’t make an effort to bring food to get-togethers, and always show up late, don’t be surprised when it all gets eaten before you get there.

Slander = VERBAL misrepresentation.
Libel = WRITTEN misrepresentation.

If an event occurred, then it is not slander to mention it, or libel to write about it!

If someone gives their OPINION on an event that really did occur, it still is not slander or libel.

If no names were mentioned at all, yup! Still not slander or libel.

If it is not your birthday, YES you have to wait for the b-day person to arrive before cutting into the cake!

If you invite someone to an event, stating “We decided at the last minute to have (event name).” and then carp about people not showing, DO NOT try and say later “I left a message for you two months prior to (event name).” Just fess up and say you didn’t really want that person there to begin with.

If you are continually depressed, and absolutely refuse to do anything to fix it, please understand that after a few months, people might stop caring.

If a dog barks, and bit you in 2007, don’t think that it might be friendly to you in 2008!

If you bring your ass to my house after 9 p.m., bang on windows, wake my ass up, just to get inside and bitch at someone, then call other people on the phone to bitch at them, THINK AGAIN. This is disturbing the peace and the police will be called next time. Especially if my neighbors complain AGAIN. Wait till the next day. After 10 a.m. People might be sleeping in!

If you book a hotel for only $45 a night, don’t get upset that it does not have the best location!

If you borrow something, give it back. Don’t say someone else gave it to you as a gift and try to keep it!

If you are trying for oral sex, use your mouth on flesh. Do not just blow on someone’s crotch and think that does it!

If you need to use a Wii for jump starting your sex life, give up.

If you have several children with various physical or emotional problems, your life is going to be difficult. If you cannot handle that, don’t take it out on the kids. Get help or give the children up. There is no excuse for parental abuse!

If you feel badly, and are doing EVERYTHING the doctor told you not to, don’t complain about feeling badly!

If you write a blog, and people get pissed about what you write, you should expect it. The internet is wide open.

If you think the world is about you, think again. It is ALL ABOUT ASIAN EDDY! I’ve accepted that, now it is your turn.

Don’t say you are divorced when several people you know go online to check court records periodically. Just grow a pair and be honest.

If you are a habitual liar, don’t be surprised when people call you on it.

If you are really into something, like online games, great! However, not everyone wants to hear every little detail about your online exploits!

If you win $30,000, share.

If you get a dream vacation to go somewhere, and a guest cannot go due to vacation time at work, don’t mention the names of any celebrities that you met, and hide the pictures for at least six months.

If you have insane relatives, NEVER let your new significant other meet them before the wedding!

If you borrow DVD’s from someone, make sure you return them. Until you do, no more rum cake!

If you have a friend who has a serious medical problem, call them. If you don’t you are a sucky friend and should suffer. Eternally!

If you think you are in the wrong, you probably are. Apologize.

Having your child spend the night does NOT mean someone else putting them to sleep before you get home, and then picking them up as soon as the child wakes up.

If you are separated from a total loser wife, and you begin dating an 18 year old model who not only is intelligent, but EVERYONE LOVES, don’t think that maybe you should try and work things out with your loser wife. Just move on! Everyone will be happier!

If an old woman asks you to cut her hair, don’t. This will only end in tragedy.

If a homeless person asks you for a ride, don’t. Your car will smell for at least a week.

Another lovely child

Another story of customer-employee interactions at the library.

Recently a colleague was helping a cracked-out-ho of a mother find a book. Cracked-out-ho mom had a cute young daughter, perhaps 3 or so, with her in a stroller. This is not a problem. Our library is child friendly, and we are happy to see kids actually coming to the library. Well, except two that we will nick-name oh, say, Alex and Oleg, but that is a different story.

As my coworker was helping the crack-ho mom, the sweet and cute little girl in the stroller started slapping her (my co worker, not the mom) and saying "You bitch." Over and over. About six or seven times.

Ah, the joys of children, and the lessons that horrible parents are teaching them.

Announcement! Announcement!

Everyone,
Everyone,

I have waited to post this for a few days, but I cannot wait anymore! I am SOOOOOO excited! My BFF, Asian Eddy, is expecting. YAY!!!

I have waited to post this for a few days, but I cannot wait anymore! I am SOOOOOO excited! My BFF, Asian Eddy, is expecting. YAY!!!

I think that A.E. should name the baby after me. That way no one on either side of the family can get hurt that someone on the other side of the family got picked for the honor.

I think that A.E. should name the baby after me. That way no one on either side of the family can get hurt that someone on the other side of the family got picked for the honor.

And, if you are wondering why everything is double... well I am trying to exert a little cosmic influence, and make sure something else comes out double too :)

And, if you are wondering why everything is double... well I am trying to exert a little cosmic influence, and make sure something else comes out double too :)

Admit it, A.E., for a second, just a second, it made you laugh!

Admit it, A.E., for a second, just a second, it made you laugh!

NEVER GO FULL RETARD!

I recently saw a movie, "Tropic Thunder," that was absolutely hysterical! I will not give anything away, but in one scene, Robert Downey Jr. and Ben Stiller are talking. Both of them play actors in the movie, and Robert Downey Jr. used the memorably line of, "Never go full retard." He explained that going full retard never gets anyone an Oscar, and also disassociates the audience from the character. The audience just has no frame of reference in which to empathize.

That said, here is what happened to me this past Monday.

In walks a mother, her son, and her daughter. Soon after they arrive the scene begins.

Son: "Do you have any Tintin books?" ** Tintin is a series of children's books BTW.

Me, after looking in the computer. "No, but several of our branch libraries carry them. I can order them over for you, if you would like." He then runs off to tell his mother and sister the news- I heard him, and he got all of the information correct.

Two minutes later...

Daughter: "Do you have any Tintin books?"

Me, after blinking, "No, but several of our branch libraries carry them. I can order them over for you, if you would like." She then runs off to tell her mother and brother the news- I heard her, and she got all of the information correct- just like her brother had a couple minutes before.

Two minutes later.........

Mother: "Do you have any Tintin books?"

Me, trying not to laugh. "No, but several of our branch libraries carry them. I can order them over for you, if you would like." The mother does not run off. In fact she gets irate!

Mother: "Aren't you even going to check your computer?"

Me: "Actually, I just had two little library customers come up and ask for the Tintin books. I did check the computer. We don't have any here, but we do at other libraries in our branch system. Would you like me to order some over for you?"

At this point one of my co-workers just abandons the desk, attempting not to laugh, and hides in the stacks, watching the whole thing. The mother continues her retard-ness.

Mother: "So the library system does not carry them at all?"

Me: "Yes, the library system does own them. Unfortunately we do not have any at this branch, but there are other copies elsewhere in the county, at our other library branches. I would be more than happy to have them sent over for you."

Mother: "So the library doesn't own any?"

Me: "Not at this branch, no. But several of our other, nearby, branches do. I can have them sent over for you, if you would like?"

The mother finally gets the concept. She then asks if a particular branch owns them. It seems she is only visiting a friend in my city, and actually lives near one of the other branches. Hallelujah! I quickly check, and YES the other branch does carry the entire series.

I hand her a sheet of all of the branches in the county. I highlight the information for the branch she lives near. This includes the hours and days that this branch is open.

Me: "Yes, they carry the full set of the Tintin books. Unfortunately they are not open today, but they will be be open tomorrow from 12 until 6."

Mother: "Well what time do they close to-day?" Her tone was pure acid, but I survived... somehow.

Me: "That branch library is closed on Mondays, so they are not open today. However, they will be open tomorrow from 12-6."

Mother: "Why did they close early today?"

Me: "Unfortunately they are not open at all on Monday's. They are closed. Every Monday. But they will be open tomorrow, from 12 to 6."

Mother grunts, and then says, "Fine. When is the next day that they will be open?"

Me: "They are open on Tuesdays. So they will be open tomorrow. From 12, noon, until 6 p.m."

At that point she just rolled her eyes, and told her children that the library did not own any Tintin books at all.

I went over to my escapee co-worker, and smiled. "My shift is over. Your turn." I left the building to the sound of a child's voice asking her, "Do you have any Tintin books?"

Remember, folks, never go full retard!

Birthday events

Well birthday season officially started recently with a bang. The first of the birthday procession was my dear friend, who is known affectionately as Princess Buttercup, who recently turned 11. Happy Birthday PB! The get-together for Buttercups party was a lot of fun.

However the next party I attended had a few problems. A young family member of mine turned five a few days ago. The official party took place on Sunday, August 17th. Mom and Dad are separated, and heading towards the big D. Dad and the birthday boy are currently living with me. However the parents reunited for this party- that took place at my house, of course.

First off, bitch-mom (yes it is a deserved nick-name) insisted on making the cake. She wanted a Lego shaped one. The cake she made did look like a Lego. A Lego that had been left in a microwave for about 30 minutes, on high. It was completely deformed. So, another family member provided an ice-cream cake at the last minute. Bitch-mom was pissed that her freak of a dessert was being supplemented by something that looked like a cake.

Bitch-mom was not going to show up, originally. Her family was having a party on Saturday. But the she heard that dinner would be provided, and she had the bright idea of inviting her entire family (most of whom are struggling to make ends meet). They cancelled their Saturday party in favor of attending the one on Sunday--- the one with free food. Don’tcha just LOVE people who only show up to get something decent to eat?

I found this out at the last minute, and started cooking extra. When bitch-mom was asked about making this a pot-luck, she snapped, “If my family are going to come over here, we are going to feed them.” We? Excuse me but I don’t consider a jacked up looking cake as helping to feed a hoard of freeloaders.

Bitch-mom did not buy her child a present. Can you believe that? She was honestly shocked that she should have bought something. Her quote was “I made the cake, didn’t I? That’s my present.” Yeah, what every five year old wants as a gift, a mongoloid confection.

Did the rest of the moochers bring presents? Yes, they did. Were they clothes too small for the five year old to wear? Why, yes they were.

As they began snooping throughout my house, I had to keep herding them back to the party. God, I love been a guide-dog for retarded semi-relatives. Finally the glorious moment came when they were going to leave. Out walked bitch-mom. Out walked her siblings and in-laws. The only one remaining was bitch-mom’s mom. I was sitting by the door, and as the last of the moochers walked out (with the exception of the grandma-bitch who was still piling up a ‘to-go’ plate) and they did not bother to close the door!! The AC was on, and it was hot out. So I reached over, and slammed the door. I did not realize that bitch-mom was coming back to see what was taking her mother so long.

Everyone stopped talking, and just stared at me. That was my first clue that something was up. Then they all started to laugh. Several people gave me air high-fives. OOpps on my part. But, unlike a lot of crap I do, that really was an accident.

After that, everyone seemed to have a great time!

Asian Eddy Strikes Again!

Okay today I was at work, when I get this phone call. It was my BFF Asian Eddy doing a strange voice. Not only was she doing a crazy voice, she was acting WACKO. I was grinning so big at the time.

I was professional as she asked about charges on her card. I mean, I can play along with a prank phone call, after all.

What is your card number?
I think I never had one, I just use my Sears card I think.

Uh, okay. What is your name?
-something hard to understand-

Can you spell that for me?
I think it is spelled... -HUH? You THINK you know how to spell your last name?? -

-I type it in- And your first name?
I always wanted to be Carlotta.

Birthdate?
Yes.

No, what is your birthdate?
-She gives me one AND it matches the name she gave I begin to suspect that this is NOT my BFF but instead a fake BFF who is just some random crazy person-

I had to repeat ever single book that she had out four times. FOUR. So, while this was not my BFF, Asian Eddy still gets props for doing a prank phone call... 'cuz I know out there she is responsible, and this is to get even for the online voodoo doll incident. Which, of course, I was innocent of. Really. It was Lydia's fault for not stopping me.

Funny, but oh so wrong!

Everyone, this is wrong in many many ways, but too funny to pass up. Check out this spoof on a 1950's educational video.

I've had it with your crap

When do you know that it is time to throw in the towel and walk away? That is the question that I have been asking myself a lot recently.

The answer? Now. Now is the time.

You see, for a while now I have tried communicating with a long time friend. I say communicating because I have tried e-mail, phone, and sending messages through third parties.

No real response.

This person is one of the most passive-aggressive people that I have ever known. I have a feeling that I have been convicted of some crime, real or (most likely) imagined, and this person is either writing me off or punishing me by blocking me out.


Or, if I am imagining being shunned by this person, at the very least there is a lack of motivation on their part. A lack of motivation to try and remain friends. Lack of motivation even common courtesy to return phone calls and well-wishes for various events in their life. This has gone on, in various degrees, for a long time. Slowly building over a couple of years.

Whatever.

I have thought this over. Part of me wants to try and demand an explanation. But, since I keep meeting with the attitude of a two year old who doesn't want to talk, I really doubt that there is much that would be gained.

I guess I am just tired. Tired of the crap. Tired of the lack of courtesy. Tired of reaching out to
only be ignored.

Again- Whatever.


So, I have just decided to say goodbye. I doubt this person will ever read this, or even care if they did. To be honest, after years of trying to stay in touch, to stay friends, and having them only try a bit when it was convenient for them, and months of flat out ignoring me, I have gotten to the point of not caring at all. I am just going to write this to get it out, and then... walk away.

So, a friendship ends. Not with a bang. Not with a whimper, but with just a shrug.