Well yesterday I attended one of the most dreaded events of the year- a family get-together. It was a relative's birthday, and almost all of my very extensive family was in there. We are talking about close to forty people actually showing up.
As with all family affairs, our clan has various traditions that we adhere to rigorously. I used to think that my family was very dysfunctional, and that these traditions were very self-destructive, but over the course of time, I have realize that this is not so. Yes my family is moronic. Yes they are irritating, embarrassing, and sophomoric, but in comparison to lots of families that I know, well they are not that bad, and actually work well together in a twilight zone kind of way.
One thing that I have come to appreciate from my family, is the fact that manners are kind of important.
First off, there is always plenty of alcohol for the adults. Yes, I know that this does not set the best example for the children, but at least it sets a realistic one, as well as a lesson in good manners. When a relative gets obnoxious, do not yell at them or get into a fight or argument, just simply stand up, and excuse yourself with the loud comment of "Does anyone else want another drink?" Not only does this get out out of the idiot's diatribe, but it makes you look hospitable and caring about the needs of other family members.
Second, when two, or more, kids are fighting... NEVER get involved unless you are the parent. I have come to realize that the comment of "They're not my kids," actually translates into "I wish the children would behave, but I will not step on parental-toes, or belittle parenting techniques of others, and instead will relax, knowing that the children will be handled in a responsible, yet supportive fashion, once the parents are made aware of the situation." Yes, I am sure of this translation, and no, the fact that I often hide in delusions to escape stress when dealing with family has nothing to do with this translation. The voices told me so.
Third, if family arguments do happen, my family shows support to both sides by not getting directly involved, or taking sides. Instead someone will step in, near enough to the two combatants to be easily heard, and make a comment about a relative's boss (who most there have met) behaving like an ass to the relative in question, or mention some sort of tragic event, such as a beloved pets untimely demise under the tires of a hated neighbor.
This is done to the room at large, and others, picking up the intent, will start a conversation about it, asking opinions from the combatants, and drawing them away from an unseemly spat. This tactic, of family bonding through finding a mutual (non-family) target/enemy is a proven to be highly effective. Okay, so the most famous example of this is the Nazi party uniting the German nation through hatred of the Jews... but you have to admit it is effective. After the spat is calmed down, a day or two later everyone will, of course, talk to the two participants privately, and assure them that they were right, thus restoring family balance and helping to support the confidence and self-esteem of the two arguing relatives.
And fourth, all bitching about relatives will wait until you are alone with your immediate family, where you can unwind with additional alcohol. Or at a bar with additional alcohol. Or in your car, where you have stashed additional alcohol. While many might think that this shows an over-dependence on alcohol by my family, this is simply not true. We are just dependent enough on alcohol to make this bunch of polar opposite insane personalities tolerable.
While we may use alcohol as a crutch, any lesser being would have been driven insane by my family long ago. So, you see, alcohol addiction is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.
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