What is it about Tuesdays?

Speaking of In-Shape (see this week's mis-hap below), I had been intending to publish this post for a couple of weeks now. It seemed that Tuesdays are a day of danger, mystery, and misunderstandings.

On a Tuesday past, a friend and I were out looking at joining a gym. I really want to get into better shape, and my friend? Well my friend is a great person who said that if I joined, he would go as well since I might be more inclined to stick with it if I had a gym-buddy. I now have two friends who I go to the gym with... I'm a lucky librarian.

But, back to the story! Ok, so it is Tuesday, and we decide to check out Gold's Gym. We are greeted by a woman we will call Stacey. Stacey is short, stocky, butch. She shook my hand, and OH MY GOD. I thought that parts of my hand were broken! My friend, when we compared notes later, said he wanted to drop to his knees and start screaming, LET GO.. LET GO.. THE PAIN...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (fucking) AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Anyway the gym seemed well.. it gave off a weird vibe. I don't have anything against gay people, I just happen not to be one. The gym seemed to be geared as a gay-haven in the middle of a red necked town. That, ans fear of Stacey, drove us away.

We went to In-Shape. We liked the look and layout. The people were friendly. We decided to join. I asked about a group rate, since my friend is kind of tight on cash right now. We told the guy this, and the fact that my friend was only joining to help me out. The guy said "no problem" and quoted us a rate that was only a few dollars more than the single membership. Huh? He then informed us that we could get a family rate, if he marked us down as "partners."

Ok, as I said I am not a homo-phobe, but I am a penny-pincher. In the eyes of In-Shape, I now have a domestic partner. Oh lord.

We then go out to Best Buy. I had a couple of movies to get, and my friend was going to check into a game or two for his PS3. I wanted two movies (because I am kind of odd and have an odd taste in movies). When a big burly bearded sales associate came up asking if he could help us find a movie, I said, "Yes, we are looking for Hitman, and Nancy Drew." The guy looked over at us, put on this crappy smile and said "I bet you two have been waiting for Nancy Drew for ages..."

Ok I know Nancy Drew looks like a girly movie. Ok it is a girly movie. I get that. But I grew up watching reruns of the Nancy-Drew/Hardy Boy mysteries, and this one looked stupid-funny. (small off-note comment. Nancy Drew is actually a pretty funny movie, with a good mystery going for it.)

So now no only does In-Shape tell me I have a domestic partner, but this goober at Best Buy is saying that we are gay. (another side note- While I am currently single I am not gay. While my friend is married with a child he is not gay either). Ok, so I am not gay, but I do get in people's faces, and I am totally improv when it comes to yanking people's chains. And, well I do so love yanking chains!

In a flash I became super-nelly-gay-man with a backbone! I snapped my fingers up in the air and said, "Hold on a moment Laura Ingles! There is only one little hole on the prairie that I will even think about prairie-dogging." The guy looked shocked. This was all I needed, in my insane desire to yank chains, to go on.

"We're committed to each other. I'm flattered that you want some of me. I know you can tell I am large and thick.." his face started getting red... "And I know you want to taste my honey, baby, but well.. we don't do threesomes." I patted his arm, and he jumped back, fear in his eyes, now that other co-workers were looking on.

I had an audience. I'm evil. I do not get embarrassed. I was pissed. NEVER put those elements together.

"Honey," I purred, "I'm sure you will find a nice guy.. or ten, to take you.. in hand.. or I know this butch bull-dyke named Stacey (see above) who will be more than happy to strap something on, and ride you hard and fast... if you are only looking for that?"

Gosh, he looked like he was going to cry. He scrambled back, and my friend started laughing. "God, I cannot believe you did that.. " then he shook his head "Actually I cannot believe you did not do something worse."

Well, while creative, that was the first thing I thought of. Besides, when actually dealing with homo-phobes, best way to freak them out.. tell them they are a little gay bitch.

NEW POST TOMORROW... When a co-worker who we will call Martha, has to deal with the touchy subject of Masturbation... get it? Touchy subject?

AAAAAYYYYAAAAAAAA!

Ok so I was at In-Shape, and got attacked by a tredmill. Seriously! It cut through about a fourth of an inch of leather and padding of my shoe, shredded my sock (no, the hole was not there prior to this happening), and cut into my foot. The momentum has left the right side of my foot, and the top, one huge bruise.

Why me?

HORRIBLY SHOCKING!

Okay, for all the freaks who are my friends... here is something to make you feel a little more normal.

There is a site online with several videos. They are horrible. Awful. Nightmarish. And as hard to turn away from as watching a car accident. Go on and take a peek. I dare you.

http://www.secretsauce.tv/

PS. Asian Eddy, my dear BFF, Hairyback is for you. You will know who it is reference to.

In case the site is down (it has been having some problems) here are a couple of their videos on Youtube...

United 300
How to bang my wife...
Snakes on Claire Daines

TIPS FROM THE STUPIDITY OF 2007!

Okay I was looking back on 2007 and realize that it sucked ass in a lot of ways. Some things were good, but really like every one else, I tend to take the good things for granted. But the bad things, well those stay in my mind.

A lot of bad things happened to me and friends this past year. Some of it was random. Some of it was because of malicious assholes. But, most of it was because of sheer stupidity. Yes, I used the S word. STUPIDITY. I'm not immune. My friends are not immune.. if they were, well I am sure they would not be where they are today.

Anyway, I have compiled a list of stupid things/ideas/actions from 2007, as well as tips on what to do instead. Yes, this list is written sarcastically, but the sad part is, all items on this list are real, and happened in 2007. Some of them happened to more than one person. We'll call this stupidity squared, or in some cases stupidity cubed.

So read on and laugh. Or if any of this sounds like you, keep reading, pay attention to the tips then go out and get drunk. If more than one of these sounds like you... go ahead and get drunk. Then leave a suicide note before you do anything drastic. We all appreciate a note you know.

When giving a gift, try and remember what the person likes. Inappropriate gifts, such as only giving a T-shirt to your spouse who you know spent several hundred dollars on you for Christmas does not cut it. Avoid lame-assed gifts at all costs... the person you give it to will remember and next year you will be stuck with a lame-assed gift. Tip: Give a gift card if you have no idea what to get!

The last person you should ever screw over is the one who knows the most about you. If you go out to a bar dressed up as a woman and your wife does not know.. never ever piss of the people who do know. Tip: Always have counter-blackmail available.

When asking for a raise, never use the phrases "or else," "I'll quit," "moron!," or "I'm irreplaceable." Fact is you are replaceable. Someone else will do the job for less. Someone else will be able to do your job better than you. Use the time-honored protocols for asking for a raise.. a sick family member, a new member of the family (your mother and father in law is moving in with you) that you will have to support... or your hamster is on life-support or needs expensive plastic surgery. Tip: Lie! Kiss up! Use diplomacy! Blackmail helps!

Some movies just suck. Some movies suck and blow at the same time. If you drag a group of friends to see a shit-fest on film, have the decency to apologize to them. DO NOT try and pretend that it was the best/funniest movie ever! Tip: Read the fucking reviews in the paper!

When you think your spouse does not like you, there is a problem. If you don't want to get divorced because of the kids, there is still a problem. If you are happier when you see your spouse for only a few hours a day, there is a huge problem! Tip: Either get counselling or get divorced.

If a dog barks, growls, and/or snaps at you, run! Don't try to be friends... get the fuck away! I am a firm believer that insurance should only cover accidents and acts of nature, not stupidity, so be prepared to pay for your rabies shots on your own. Tip: Animals don't like you.

If you can't cook, don't experiment in the kitchen. Here is a tip, when the stuffing comes out hard and chewy, don't eat what you cooked! Your cooking is illegal and inhumane. Tip: Go to a restaurant or order delivery.

Sex is meant to be fun and had on a regular basis. If you don't enjoy having sex with your partner or only have it on very rare occasions, this means either one or both of you are doing it badly, or you are gay. No exceptions. Tip: Hopeless.

If your wedding costs less than $100, is attended by guests with a police record, and the father of the bride comes in a stained flannel shirt... it's going to suck. It is not the best wedding of the year, and is probably in the running for an award for freakshow of the year. Tip: Use a wedding planner!

The Nintendo Wii was never intended to be a marital sex-aid. If you need to use a game console to jump-start sex, something is wrong. Tip: Family games should not become x-rated. Tip #2: Wipe off the controllers before the kids use them. Ewww!

Your boss is not your friend. Boss = Big Opportunity Stealing Shithead. Found in rural and urban areas, this creature is never to be trusted and cannot be house-broken. Tip: Approach with extreme caution.

Customer service is a must have. Never take shit from a counter-person! You are paying them. Remember that! They are like a prostitute, and you are the John. Don't accept a handjob when you want to get blown! Life is like Burger-King. It should be done your way. That does not mean behaving like an ass, but don't let retail-ho's walk all over you! Tip: Grow a set of balls!

On the subject of oral sex... oral sex means using your mouth on someone, not from a distance! In other words, SUCK BABY SUCK! Blow is just an expression! Blowing on someone's neck is one thing, and it can be romantic and erotic. Just blowing on their vagina/cock is lame. Tip: If you can't use tongue, you better be good at giving hand-jobs!

Back on the subject of retail... it does not matter how much you save during a sale if you can't use it or wear it, it's a waste of money. If the shoes look great and are a decent price that is a good deal. If those same shoes do not fit, just give me the money. Either way it will be gone, and at least one of us will be happy. Tip: Just give me the money anyway.

Well those were tips from the stupidity of 2007. May 2008 be a hell of a better year!

A NEW YEAR & NEW DREAMS

Well I did not get off my once a day blog until the new year, and I apologize. I will try to do better, and soon I will have my 2007 recap posted. Yes I am still working on it.

Anyway, for those who got me through the season, thank you for all of your help. For those of you who comforted me all through the seasonal family pissing contests, my friends I love you all. Thank you for a wonderful Christmas Day, and New Years Eve. Who knew the hell-i-days could be fun?!?

For my truly fabulous friends at work, including my BFF, you guys are awesome. Thank you so much for all of the fun in 2007, and 2008 will be even better!

And for any romantic out there... let your dreams guide you, let your heart speak for you, and let yourself be happy.

For all of you I wish the best. Happy days. Happy New Year!

Here are some lyrics from Jon McLaughlin's song "So Close."

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on
For only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive
A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted
To hold you
So close
So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far
We are
So close
How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

On the first day of Christmas bitching....

Wow!

I did not realize how long it has been since I have posted on here! I guess that I am a bad blogger.

Anyhoo, I thought I would get on here and post some reflections of this Christmas. A lot has happened, and the season of good cheer I think needs a rename. Season of the perpetually pissed bitches and bastards, perhaps? Of course Christmas should also be subtitled "Season of the fucking mornon."

I will try to post once a day until the New Year, at which time I will bitch about this year, and complain about next year. So if you like rants, strap in and hang on because I am ogoing to open up the season bitch session with a bang!

Take my work. Every year a bunch of us send out cards to the elderly in care-homes so that they know someone still remembers them, even if their families don't. We send out cards on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, and one or two other days through the year. This year a spam-note was sent out to all of us caregivers by another librarian where I work stating that we should skip Easter this year and instead send a card on St. Valentine's day.

The reason? This well-learned matronly librarian stated that "Easter is a Christian holiday, and a lot of people do not celebrate Christian holidays." They went on to say that they still felt it okay to send out the Christmas cards, however, since EVERYONE celebrates Christmas.

Huh! This led to a debate at the library system where I work about whether or not Christmas is really a Christian holiday anymore. Most agreed that Christmas is not really a Christian holiday.

It used to be.

Huh.

A few days later a retired coworker sent me an e-card, which asked for Christians to make a stand. To retake Christ-mas! Yes, the card actually spelled it "Christ-mas." I also asked all Christians to remember that it is a Christ-mas tree, not a holiday hedge, or some other nick-name! Things of that nature. I thought it was good timing. I shared this tidbit of an e-card with a co-worker with whom I had already exchanged solstice gifts with.

This co-worker and I often mock those of extreme points of view. The so-called Christians who either do not go to church, or only go to get heaven-points and promptly forget about anything their minister may have said. Or those bible-thumping god-whores who tell you that they know what is right and you don't.

Of course we also mock the tree-fucking hippies who want everything to be so blandly politically correct that any type of free thought is now branded as racists, inciteful, and morally irresponsible.

Here is a copy of our e-mail mockery-exchange, hope you enjoy.

From: Anonymous
Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2007 11:45:43 -0800
To: Berserkermailto:BerserkerLibrarian@asshole.christmas-not.com
Subject: Re: Fw: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Christmas Tree

:: so.... have you decorated your holiday hedge yet?::
:: (ha!!!):: ::


Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2007 12:54:51 -0800
From: Berserkermailto:BerserkerLibrarian@asshole.christmas-not.com
Reply-To: Anonymous
Subject: Re: Fw: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Christmas TreeMessage

Anonymous,

This year I have decided to forgo the traditional sacrifice of a living being and dressing it up like a seasonal strumpet of the $2 variety.

Upon consideration, it has become hard for me to reconcile idea of a season of "good cheer" and "hope" that is based upon the murder of an allegedly innocent man of possible celestial descent, and reenacts his sacrifice with the deaths of our woodland soul-brothers and soul-sisters of the fir-tribe.

Also, I cannot in good faith continue to support a capitalistic endeavor which promotes raping the land of natural beauty and resources, in addition to giving silent consent to deforestation.

Hoping this letter finds you in peace and harmony, if that is your choice. I would never attempt to force you to feel happiness, if that was not your choice... After all, we must all follow our inner voices, not that I am belittling those who have inner choirs, and have been forced to wear the schizophrenic label perpetuated by the single inner-voiced "man," nor am I stating that only those of the male gender may be considered part of the allegedly established hierarchy that tries to govern our lives. I am not also mocking those of the paranoid persuasion, whose viewpoint is entirely valid.

- Jim ... a name that I was not born with, but have chosen as my own, and that I do not hide behind, but accept for all that it represents.

PS. Trees are way too fucking expensive this year!!!!

Good kids are hard to find, so keep looking!

Sorry about not posting lately, but after I got back from the Holy Land (a.k.a. Disneyland) things got pretty busy. By the way, photos and stories will be uploaded soon, I promise!

However I had to post this. Last week the library I work at had a class visit. For those of you who do not speak libraryese, what this means is that a classroom of children made a visit to the library.

This time it was a class of second grade kids, so ages about 7 or so. This is an important fact, okay? The kids had a blast, we did a mini-storytime for them, showed them all around the library, and answered any questions that they might have.

One young kid, we will call him Tyler (and, Asian Eddie, it is _not_ that Tyler either, this is a younger version) was asking questions of a coworker of mine, who was already wrangling three other children. So I stepped in. He wanted books on how to speak German, and I thought he was a neat kid... not many want to learn another language at 7. I showed him where the books to learn German were, as well as books on tape and cd, so that he could listen to the sounds of the words. He was really enthusiastic. Then he asked for books about Europe. I showed him the section, and that is when he opened up.

He was so happy, and said that he was German, and wanted to see pictures of where his family came from. Out of all the kids who were running around throwing books around, I got the one kid who really wanted to learn. It was awesome! So I said that I am Irish. His smile got bigger and said that his grandmother was Irish, but the rest of his family was German.

When I asked if he was going to go to Germany sometime for a vacation, he somberly replied, "When I am an adult." This kid was acting so politely, and so mature, I really was impressed by him, and how he was being raised by his family.

But you know what? NEVER EVER make assumptions!!! I forgot that bit of wisdom!

Because next the kid, about 7 remember... told me that if the "coloreds" kept taking over America, he was going to move to Europe.

I was so freaking shocked by the little Nazi, I went in back, and told a co-worker. She took a look outside the door and said the kid had been snotty to her.

On his way out, he stopped, and tanked me for all the help I had given him, and said that if I wanted to know, his name was Tyler. Another coworker of mine, who had heard the tale by that time, said "I guess he can tell you his name, since you are white."

He's seven... and already has attitudes like that. Just shoot the parents.

THREE THINGS TO PONDER...

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments






Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington?

And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.



The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're really not using it anymore.



The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

A moment of shame, a lifetime of memories

There is a thing that is only talked of in whispers... only a few know of its existence, and fewer still have actually seen it.

What I am talking about is a strange ritual that happens every year. It is called the "Duck Race." This year I actually attended.

I kid you not.

You see I am this years co-chair for the United Way fundraising campaign in my library system. This event kicks off each year with, you got it, a duck race. However it is not just any ducks, but rubber ducks. Decorated rubber ducks. Decorated rubber ducks maneuvered by swimmers in costumes.

The rules are simple, all ducks must be on the same type of floatation board, all must be decorated, and each duck must have a swimmer to race it. The swimmer cannot touch the duck, or the board, but must create waves to propel the duck along.

Okay. I had heard of this before. I never thought I would go, but this year... since I am involved with the campaign, I was one of the lucky people to go.

Let me tell you, it really is as lame as it sounds. Oddly enough, however, it is a huge amount of fun! Lots of weird people (who am I to throw stones, right?) were there, cheering each other on. The ducks were very imaginatively done up, with themes such as "Ducky Potter," or "Ducky Balboa" and the swimmers... well they actually were in costume too. One swimmer went into the pool wearing the upper half of a tux. Another wore a tiara. The police department had a very interesting duck. It was painted pink. Neon Pink. Not only that, but the board it was on was also pink. With pink feathers. And glitter. Did I forget to mention the glitter???? The swimmer for this delight looked like the typical male cop. Until he did his Vanna White impersonation before diving into the pool with his duck.

Since then I have found out that there are many "duck races" all over the country. If you get a chance, please check this out. Not only is it a hoot to watch, but the money actually goes towards a good cause. And if you know one of the swimmers who might be competing.. well photographs can come in handy later on down the line. I'm jus' sayin'!

A family get-together, a lesson in manners

Well yesterday I attended one of the most dreaded events of the year- a family get-together. It was a relative's birthday, and almost all of my very extensive family was in there. We are talking about close to forty people actually showing up.

As with all family affairs, our clan has various traditions that we adhere to rigorously. I used to think that my family was very dysfunctional, and that these traditions were very self-destructive, but over the course of time, I have realize that this is not so. Yes my family is moronic. Yes they are irritating, embarrassing, and sophomoric, but in comparison to lots of families that I know, well they are not that bad, and actually work well together in a twilight zone kind of way.

One thing that I have come to appreciate from my family, is the fact that manners are kind of important.

First off, there is always plenty of alcohol for the adults. Yes, I know that this does not set the best example for the children, but at least it sets a realistic one, as well as a lesson in good manners. When a relative gets obnoxious, do not yell at them or get into a fight or argument, just simply stand up, and excuse yourself with the loud comment of "Does anyone else want another drink?" Not only does this get out out of the idiot's diatribe, but it makes you look hospitable and caring about the needs of other family members.

Second, when two, or more, kids are fighting... NEVER get involved unless you are the parent. I have come to realize that the comment of "They're not my kids," actually translates into "I wish the children would behave, but I will not step on parental-toes, or belittle parenting techniques of others, and instead will relax, knowing that the children will be handled in a responsible, yet supportive fashion, once the parents are made aware of the situation." Yes, I am sure of this translation, and no, the fact that I often hide in delusions to escape stress when dealing with family has nothing to do with this translation. The voices told me so.

Third, if family arguments do happen, my family shows support to both sides by not getting directly involved, or taking sides. Instead someone will step in, near enough to the two combatants to be easily heard, and make a comment about a relative's boss (who most there have met) behaving like an ass to the relative in question, or mention some sort of tragic event, such as a beloved pets untimely demise under the tires of a hated neighbor.

This is done to the room at large, and others, picking up the intent, will start a conversation about it, asking opinions from the combatants, and drawing them away from an unseemly spat. This tactic, of family bonding through finding a mutual (non-family) target/enemy is a proven to be highly effective. Okay, so the most famous example of this is the Nazi party uniting the German nation through hatred of the Jews... but you have to admit it is effective. After the spat is calmed down, a day or two later everyone will, of course, talk to the two participants privately, and assure them that they were right, thus restoring family balance and helping to support the confidence and self-esteem of the two arguing relatives.

And fourth, all bitching about relatives will wait until you are alone with your immediate family, where you can unwind with additional alcohol. Or at a bar with additional alcohol. Or in your car, where you have stashed additional alcohol. While many might think that this shows an over-dependence on alcohol by my family, this is simply not true. We are just dependent enough on alcohol to make this bunch of polar opposite insane personalities tolerable.

While we may use alcohol as a crutch, any lesser being would have been driven insane by my family long ago. So, you see, alcohol addiction is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.