NEVER GO FULL RETARD!

I recently saw a movie, "Tropic Thunder," that was absolutely hysterical! I will not give anything away, but in one scene, Robert Downey Jr. and Ben Stiller are talking. Both of them play actors in the movie, and Robert Downey Jr. used the memorably line of, "Never go full retard." He explained that going full retard never gets anyone an Oscar, and also disassociates the audience from the character. The audience just has no frame of reference in which to empathize.

That said, here is what happened to me this past Monday.

In walks a mother, her son, and her daughter. Soon after they arrive the scene begins.

Son: "Do you have any Tintin books?" ** Tintin is a series of children's books BTW.

Me, after looking in the computer. "No, but several of our branch libraries carry them. I can order them over for you, if you would like." He then runs off to tell his mother and sister the news- I heard him, and he got all of the information correct.

Two minutes later...

Daughter: "Do you have any Tintin books?"

Me, after blinking, "No, but several of our branch libraries carry them. I can order them over for you, if you would like." She then runs off to tell her mother and brother the news- I heard her, and she got all of the information correct- just like her brother had a couple minutes before.

Two minutes later.........

Mother: "Do you have any Tintin books?"

Me, trying not to laugh. "No, but several of our branch libraries carry them. I can order them over for you, if you would like." The mother does not run off. In fact she gets irate!

Mother: "Aren't you even going to check your computer?"

Me: "Actually, I just had two little library customers come up and ask for the Tintin books. I did check the computer. We don't have any here, but we do at other libraries in our branch system. Would you like me to order some over for you?"

At this point one of my co-workers just abandons the desk, attempting not to laugh, and hides in the stacks, watching the whole thing. The mother continues her retard-ness.

Mother: "So the library system does not carry them at all?"

Me: "Yes, the library system does own them. Unfortunately we do not have any at this branch, but there are other copies elsewhere in the county, at our other library branches. I would be more than happy to have them sent over for you."

Mother: "So the library doesn't own any?"

Me: "Not at this branch, no. But several of our other, nearby, branches do. I can have them sent over for you, if you would like?"

The mother finally gets the concept. She then asks if a particular branch owns them. It seems she is only visiting a friend in my city, and actually lives near one of the other branches. Hallelujah! I quickly check, and YES the other branch does carry the entire series.

I hand her a sheet of all of the branches in the county. I highlight the information for the branch she lives near. This includes the hours and days that this branch is open.

Me: "Yes, they carry the full set of the Tintin books. Unfortunately they are not open today, but they will be be open tomorrow from 12 until 6."

Mother: "Well what time do they close to-day?" Her tone was pure acid, but I survived... somehow.

Me: "That branch library is closed on Mondays, so they are not open today. However, they will be open tomorrow from 12-6."

Mother: "Why did they close early today?"

Me: "Unfortunately they are not open at all on Monday's. They are closed. Every Monday. But they will be open tomorrow, from 12 to 6."

Mother grunts, and then says, "Fine. When is the next day that they will be open?"

Me: "They are open on Tuesdays. So they will be open tomorrow. From 12, noon, until 6 p.m."

At that point she just rolled her eyes, and told her children that the library did not own any Tintin books at all.

I went over to my escapee co-worker, and smiled. "My shift is over. Your turn." I left the building to the sound of a child's voice asking her, "Do you have any Tintin books?"

Remember, folks, never go full retard!

Birthday events

Well birthday season officially started recently with a bang. The first of the birthday procession was my dear friend, who is known affectionately as Princess Buttercup, who recently turned 11. Happy Birthday PB! The get-together for Buttercups party was a lot of fun.

However the next party I attended had a few problems. A young family member of mine turned five a few days ago. The official party took place on Sunday, August 17th. Mom and Dad are separated, and heading towards the big D. Dad and the birthday boy are currently living with me. However the parents reunited for this party- that took place at my house, of course.

First off, bitch-mom (yes it is a deserved nick-name) insisted on making the cake. She wanted a Lego shaped one. The cake she made did look like a Lego. A Lego that had been left in a microwave for about 30 minutes, on high. It was completely deformed. So, another family member provided an ice-cream cake at the last minute. Bitch-mom was pissed that her freak of a dessert was being supplemented by something that looked like a cake.

Bitch-mom was not going to show up, originally. Her family was having a party on Saturday. But the she heard that dinner would be provided, and she had the bright idea of inviting her entire family (most of whom are struggling to make ends meet). They cancelled their Saturday party in favor of attending the one on Sunday--- the one with free food. Don’tcha just LOVE people who only show up to get something decent to eat?

I found this out at the last minute, and started cooking extra. When bitch-mom was asked about making this a pot-luck, she snapped, “If my family are going to come over here, we are going to feed them.” We? Excuse me but I don’t consider a jacked up looking cake as helping to feed a hoard of freeloaders.

Bitch-mom did not buy her child a present. Can you believe that? She was honestly shocked that she should have bought something. Her quote was “I made the cake, didn’t I? That’s my present.” Yeah, what every five year old wants as a gift, a mongoloid confection.

Did the rest of the moochers bring presents? Yes, they did. Were they clothes too small for the five year old to wear? Why, yes they were.

As they began snooping throughout my house, I had to keep herding them back to the party. God, I love been a guide-dog for retarded semi-relatives. Finally the glorious moment came when they were going to leave. Out walked bitch-mom. Out walked her siblings and in-laws. The only one remaining was bitch-mom’s mom. I was sitting by the door, and as the last of the moochers walked out (with the exception of the grandma-bitch who was still piling up a ‘to-go’ plate) and they did not bother to close the door!! The AC was on, and it was hot out. So I reached over, and slammed the door. I did not realize that bitch-mom was coming back to see what was taking her mother so long.

Everyone stopped talking, and just stared at me. That was my first clue that something was up. Then they all started to laugh. Several people gave me air high-fives. OOpps on my part. But, unlike a lot of crap I do, that really was an accident.

After that, everyone seemed to have a great time!

Asian Eddy Strikes Again!

Okay today I was at work, when I get this phone call. It was my BFF Asian Eddy doing a strange voice. Not only was she doing a crazy voice, she was acting WACKO. I was grinning so big at the time.

I was professional as she asked about charges on her card. I mean, I can play along with a prank phone call, after all.

What is your card number?
I think I never had one, I just use my Sears card I think.

Uh, okay. What is your name?
-something hard to understand-

Can you spell that for me?
I think it is spelled... -HUH? You THINK you know how to spell your last name?? -

-I type it in- And your first name?
I always wanted to be Carlotta.

Birthdate?
Yes.

No, what is your birthdate?
-She gives me one AND it matches the name she gave I begin to suspect that this is NOT my BFF but instead a fake BFF who is just some random crazy person-

I had to repeat ever single book that she had out four times. FOUR. So, while this was not my BFF, Asian Eddy still gets props for doing a prank phone call... 'cuz I know out there she is responsible, and this is to get even for the online voodoo doll incident. Which, of course, I was innocent of. Really. It was Lydia's fault for not stopping me.

Funny, but oh so wrong!

Everyone, this is wrong in many many ways, but too funny to pass up. Check out this spoof on a 1950's educational video.

I've had it with your crap

When do you know that it is time to throw in the towel and walk away? That is the question that I have been asking myself a lot recently.

The answer? Now. Now is the time.

You see, for a while now I have tried communicating with a long time friend. I say communicating because I have tried e-mail, phone, and sending messages through third parties.

No real response.

This person is one of the most passive-aggressive people that I have ever known. I have a feeling that I have been convicted of some crime, real or (most likely) imagined, and this person is either writing me off or punishing me by blocking me out.


Or, if I am imagining being shunned by this person, at the very least there is a lack of motivation on their part. A lack of motivation to try and remain friends. Lack of motivation even common courtesy to return phone calls and well-wishes for various events in their life. This has gone on, in various degrees, for a long time. Slowly building over a couple of years.

Whatever.

I have thought this over. Part of me wants to try and demand an explanation. But, since I keep meeting with the attitude of a two year old who doesn't want to talk, I really doubt that there is much that would be gained.

I guess I am just tired. Tired of the crap. Tired of the lack of courtesy. Tired of reaching out to
only be ignored.

Again- Whatever.


So, I have just decided to say goodbye. I doubt this person will ever read this, or even care if they did. To be honest, after years of trying to stay in touch, to stay friends, and having them only try a bit when it was convenient for them, and months of flat out ignoring me, I have gotten to the point of not caring at all. I am just going to write this to get it out, and then... walk away.

So, a friendship ends. Not with a bang. Not with a whimper, but with just a shrug.

Fear

My BFF, Asian Eddy, sent me this picture as a motivator. I loved it, so of course I added it to my blog.

Thanks BFF! You have all the rockin' pics.

I hope your recent vacation was great!

Miss you!

Sorry!

Sorry for not posting much lately. There has been a bit of a hullabaloo around my parts.

You see, last week my mother was not feeling very well. I went over to check on her, and she was barely coherent, running a temperature, and having severe difficulty breathing.

When I asked my father what was going on, he said that she did not want to go to the doctors, and if she did not want to go, he would not force her. I kind of understand where he is coming from (sort of). He was a horrible husband for most of their marriage, and I think now that he is getting old and infirm, that he is trying to make it up to her by giving in to whatever she wants.

We got into a bit of a row about this. It ended with me calling 911 and getting someone out to my parent's house immediately.

Mom was admitted. She has an infection in her legs as wel las pneumonia. Most of my time has been spent going either to or from the hospital to see her.

Hopefully soon I will be back to blogging more frequently.

To date, or not to date?

I thought about posting this next entry. Then I thought no. But now I am back to yes. I thought no, because this really is a horrible experience of a friend of mine. But, I decided yes for the same reason.

Okay, I have a really good friend who has a semi-large family. His family is also totally insane, and very, very dysfunctional.

Currently his sister is trying to set him up with a friend of hers. His sister's friend is way white trash, smells like a horse (she works with them so that is almost forgivable), describes herself as having almost as much of a sense of humor as Michael Jackson. BTW, she is serious when she says it, which kind of scares me.

Oh, she does not read. Anything. Not even the Enquirer. It is too hard. Her words, not mine. Yes, earwax has about as much intelligence as this lady. Sorry, I did not mean to insult earwax.

She is kind of unkempt, and built like a pro-football player. With one exception. She has large boobs. This is why my friends sister thinks he would be interested in dating her.

Oh, wait, there is more! This girls mother carried on an affair for several years with my friends father. Open family secret there, BTW.

Now that you have some of the history going on here, my friend's sister and this girl cornered my friend the other day. The topic, was, of course, him going out with the line-backer. My friends sister proceeds to tell my friend that this girl is good in bed.

Was the chick embarrassed by this? Did she even attempt to stop this horrible topic? No. No she didn't. She very sincerely and honestly told my friend. "I'm great in bed. Just ask your brother."

Before running away, my friend told them that was a definite deal-breaker, right there. Ewww! My friend is also beginning to look into getting some therapy.

Whose side are you on?

When you point a gun at a Mouse, who do you think will win?

That is the question that soon will be hitting the courtroom in Florida.

The issue is the second amendment. The right to have and bear arms. Recently Florida passed a law that allows workers, who have a permit to carry a concealed weapon, to keep a gun in their cars when parked at their places of employment.

Disney has continually been anti-gun at their establishments.

The NRA felt it had won a major battle.

However, never underestimate the Mouse. There is an exemption in the law that allows "property owned or leased by an employer who has obtained a permit" under federal law for the use of explosives.

Has anyone ever seen the pyrotechnic programs at Disney? They are amazing! They also use quite a bit of explosives.

Disney has issued the statement that any employee caught with a gun in their car would be fired. Edwin Sotomayer, an employee of Disneyworld for 13 years, challenged the Mouse. He is currently suspended, pending a court hearing. Sotomayer stated: "I'm 100% behind the NRA and their legal efforts against Disney. I was suspended on July 4th and I will possibly will lose my job because I wanted to excersise (sic) my 2nd Amendment and wanted to feel safe during my commute."

So who will win? The NRA, or the Mouse?

Everyone has shit they do.

OK, this is a pointless rant, I know. But I am just tired of a certain depressed lunatic bitch trying to make people feel like crap over everything, while at the same time acting like she is the innocent martyr. I would say victim, but martyr just fits so much better.

I am sure you all know who I am talking about. A very close friend of mine has a wife who can be sweet and nice, but really, when you scrape off the exterior paint, just is about as two-faced as you can get.

Everyone has shit they do. Really. Yes I screw up on occasion. I know that I am a Saint, and that I can (and frequently do) absolve myself of every little stain of sin. However, that also means that I realized I screwed up.

I am tired of hypocrites. Really sick and tired.

I want to shake this idiot and tell her that life is a mirror. Your actions come back at you. If you want to be included in things, then include others- make them feel welcome. By all that is holy, think about what you are doing. Do unto others, etc. etc.! Everyone sees what you are. Everyone has stopped caring about you. Why? Because you are a bitch to everyone, either to their face or behind their backs. Stop whining. Stop using people! You know what? There is a common denominator in all of your failures. YOU, you self absorbed holier-than-thou bitch.

I want to tell her to knock this shit off, and grow up. You are not better than everyone else. You hurt people and then get depressed when they turn away. What do you expect. Common courtesy is completely beyond you at times.

I want to tell her that she is a wife and mother in name only. She is not a partner in a marriage, she is a leach. She is not a true mother because her love has conditions. She cannot handle the stress of dealing with the harsh realities of being a "mom" or "wife" to anyone who is not as perfect as she sees herself. You know what? You, my dear, are way more handicapped and defective than your family.

However, this is not my fight. I want it to be. Sometimes I need it to be. I want to sit her down and actually talk to her. But, like I said, this is not my fight. She would not hear my words anyway. She is perfect. I am wrong because I cannot see, and express, how perfect she is, and how the world is not fair to her. Baby, suck it up. Life, at one point or another is hard on everyone.

All I can do is distance myself as much as possible from her actions, realize that she really is just a lunatic, and scream in frustration when I am alone.

I blog, therefore I bitch.