What is it about Tuesdays?

Speaking of In-Shape (see this week's mis-hap below), I had been intending to publish this post for a couple of weeks now. It seemed that Tuesdays are a day of danger, mystery, and misunderstandings.

On a Tuesday past, a friend and I were out looking at joining a gym. I really want to get into better shape, and my friend? Well my friend is a great person who said that if I joined, he would go as well since I might be more inclined to stick with it if I had a gym-buddy. I now have two friends who I go to the gym with... I'm a lucky librarian.

But, back to the story! Ok, so it is Tuesday, and we decide to check out Gold's Gym. We are greeted by a woman we will call Stacey. Stacey is short, stocky, butch. She shook my hand, and OH MY GOD. I thought that parts of my hand were broken! My friend, when we compared notes later, said he wanted to drop to his knees and start screaming, LET GO.. LET GO.. THE PAIN...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (fucking) AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Anyway the gym seemed well.. it gave off a weird vibe. I don't have anything against gay people, I just happen not to be one. The gym seemed to be geared as a gay-haven in the middle of a red necked town. That, ans fear of Stacey, drove us away.

We went to In-Shape. We liked the look and layout. The people were friendly. We decided to join. I asked about a group rate, since my friend is kind of tight on cash right now. We told the guy this, and the fact that my friend was only joining to help me out. The guy said "no problem" and quoted us a rate that was only a few dollars more than the single membership. Huh? He then informed us that we could get a family rate, if he marked us down as "partners."

Ok, as I said I am not a homo-phobe, but I am a penny-pincher. In the eyes of In-Shape, I now have a domestic partner. Oh lord.

We then go out to Best Buy. I had a couple of movies to get, and my friend was going to check into a game or two for his PS3. I wanted two movies (because I am kind of odd and have an odd taste in movies). When a big burly bearded sales associate came up asking if he could help us find a movie, I said, "Yes, we are looking for Hitman, and Nancy Drew." The guy looked over at us, put on this crappy smile and said "I bet you two have been waiting for Nancy Drew for ages..."

Ok I know Nancy Drew looks like a girly movie. Ok it is a girly movie. I get that. But I grew up watching reruns of the Nancy-Drew/Hardy Boy mysteries, and this one looked stupid-funny. (small off-note comment. Nancy Drew is actually a pretty funny movie, with a good mystery going for it.)

So now no only does In-Shape tell me I have a domestic partner, but this goober at Best Buy is saying that we are gay. (another side note- While I am currently single I am not gay. While my friend is married with a child he is not gay either). Ok, so I am not gay, but I do get in people's faces, and I am totally improv when it comes to yanking people's chains. And, well I do so love yanking chains!

In a flash I became super-nelly-gay-man with a backbone! I snapped my fingers up in the air and said, "Hold on a moment Laura Ingles! There is only one little hole on the prairie that I will even think about prairie-dogging." The guy looked shocked. This was all I needed, in my insane desire to yank chains, to go on.

"We're committed to each other. I'm flattered that you want some of me. I know you can tell I am large and thick.." his face started getting red... "And I know you want to taste my honey, baby, but well.. we don't do threesomes." I patted his arm, and he jumped back, fear in his eyes, now that other co-workers were looking on.

I had an audience. I'm evil. I do not get embarrassed. I was pissed. NEVER put those elements together.

"Honey," I purred, "I'm sure you will find a nice guy.. or ten, to take you.. in hand.. or I know this butch bull-dyke named Stacey (see above) who will be more than happy to strap something on, and ride you hard and fast... if you are only looking for that?"

Gosh, he looked like he was going to cry. He scrambled back, and my friend started laughing. "God, I cannot believe you did that.. " then he shook his head "Actually I cannot believe you did not do something worse."

Well, while creative, that was the first thing I thought of. Besides, when actually dealing with homo-phobes, best way to freak them out.. tell them they are a little gay bitch.

NEW POST TOMORROW... When a co-worker who we will call Martha, has to deal with the touchy subject of Masturbation... get it? Touchy subject?