On the first day of Christmas bitching....

Wow!

I did not realize how long it has been since I have posted on here! I guess that I am a bad blogger.

Anyhoo, I thought I would get on here and post some reflections of this Christmas. A lot has happened, and the season of good cheer I think needs a rename. Season of the perpetually pissed bitches and bastards, perhaps? Of course Christmas should also be subtitled "Season of the fucking mornon."

I will try to post once a day until the New Year, at which time I will bitch about this year, and complain about next year. So if you like rants, strap in and hang on because I am ogoing to open up the season bitch session with a bang!

Take my work. Every year a bunch of us send out cards to the elderly in care-homes so that they know someone still remembers them, even if their families don't. We send out cards on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, and one or two other days through the year. This year a spam-note was sent out to all of us caregivers by another librarian where I work stating that we should skip Easter this year and instead send a card on St. Valentine's day.

The reason? This well-learned matronly librarian stated that "Easter is a Christian holiday, and a lot of people do not celebrate Christian holidays." They went on to say that they still felt it okay to send out the Christmas cards, however, since EVERYONE celebrates Christmas.

Huh! This led to a debate at the library system where I work about whether or not Christmas is really a Christian holiday anymore. Most agreed that Christmas is not really a Christian holiday.

It used to be.

Huh.

A few days later a retired coworker sent me an e-card, which asked for Christians to make a stand. To retake Christ-mas! Yes, the card actually spelled it "Christ-mas." I also asked all Christians to remember that it is a Christ-mas tree, not a holiday hedge, or some other nick-name! Things of that nature. I thought it was good timing. I shared this tidbit of an e-card with a co-worker with whom I had already exchanged solstice gifts with.

This co-worker and I often mock those of extreme points of view. The so-called Christians who either do not go to church, or only go to get heaven-points and promptly forget about anything their minister may have said. Or those bible-thumping god-whores who tell you that they know what is right and you don't.

Of course we also mock the tree-fucking hippies who want everything to be so blandly politically correct that any type of free thought is now branded as racists, inciteful, and morally irresponsible.

Here is a copy of our e-mail mockery-exchange, hope you enjoy.

From: Anonymous
Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2007 11:45:43 -0800
To: Berserkermailto:BerserkerLibrarian@asshole.christmas-not.com
Subject: Re: Fw: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Christmas Tree

:: so.... have you decorated your holiday hedge yet?::
:: (ha!!!):: ::


Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2007 12:54:51 -0800
From: Berserkermailto:BerserkerLibrarian@asshole.christmas-not.com
Reply-To: Anonymous
Subject: Re: Fw: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Christmas TreeMessage

Anonymous,

This year I have decided to forgo the traditional sacrifice of a living being and dressing it up like a seasonal strumpet of the $2 variety.

Upon consideration, it has become hard for me to reconcile idea of a season of "good cheer" and "hope" that is based upon the murder of an allegedly innocent man of possible celestial descent, and reenacts his sacrifice with the deaths of our woodland soul-brothers and soul-sisters of the fir-tribe.

Also, I cannot in good faith continue to support a capitalistic endeavor which promotes raping the land of natural beauty and resources, in addition to giving silent consent to deforestation.

Hoping this letter finds you in peace and harmony, if that is your choice. I would never attempt to force you to feel happiness, if that was not your choice... After all, we must all follow our inner voices, not that I am belittling those who have inner choirs, and have been forced to wear the schizophrenic label perpetuated by the single inner-voiced "man," nor am I stating that only those of the male gender may be considered part of the allegedly established hierarchy that tries to govern our lives. I am not also mocking those of the paranoid persuasion, whose viewpoint is entirely valid.

- Jim ... a name that I was not born with, but have chosen as my own, and that I do not hide behind, but accept for all that it represents.

PS. Trees are way too fucking expensive this year!!!!

Good kids are hard to find, so keep looking!

Sorry about not posting lately, but after I got back from the Holy Land (a.k.a. Disneyland) things got pretty busy. By the way, photos and stories will be uploaded soon, I promise!

However I had to post this. Last week the library I work at had a class visit. For those of you who do not speak libraryese, what this means is that a classroom of children made a visit to the library.

This time it was a class of second grade kids, so ages about 7 or so. This is an important fact, okay? The kids had a blast, we did a mini-storytime for them, showed them all around the library, and answered any questions that they might have.

One young kid, we will call him Tyler (and, Asian Eddie, it is _not_ that Tyler either, this is a younger version) was asking questions of a coworker of mine, who was already wrangling three other children. So I stepped in. He wanted books on how to speak German, and I thought he was a neat kid... not many want to learn another language at 7. I showed him where the books to learn German were, as well as books on tape and cd, so that he could listen to the sounds of the words. He was really enthusiastic. Then he asked for books about Europe. I showed him the section, and that is when he opened up.

He was so happy, and said that he was German, and wanted to see pictures of where his family came from. Out of all the kids who were running around throwing books around, I got the one kid who really wanted to learn. It was awesome! So I said that I am Irish. His smile got bigger and said that his grandmother was Irish, but the rest of his family was German.

When I asked if he was going to go to Germany sometime for a vacation, he somberly replied, "When I am an adult." This kid was acting so politely, and so mature, I really was impressed by him, and how he was being raised by his family.

But you know what? NEVER EVER make assumptions!!! I forgot that bit of wisdom!

Because next the kid, about 7 remember... told me that if the "coloreds" kept taking over America, he was going to move to Europe.

I was so freaking shocked by the little Nazi, I went in back, and told a co-worker. She took a look outside the door and said the kid had been snotty to her.

On his way out, he stopped, and tanked me for all the help I had given him, and said that if I wanted to know, his name was Tyler. Another coworker of mine, who had heard the tale by that time, said "I guess he can tell you his name, since you are white."

He's seven... and already has attitudes like that. Just shoot the parents.

THREE THINGS TO PONDER...

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments






Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington?

And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.



The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're really not using it anymore.



The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

A moment of shame, a lifetime of memories

There is a thing that is only talked of in whispers... only a few know of its existence, and fewer still have actually seen it.

What I am talking about is a strange ritual that happens every year. It is called the "Duck Race." This year I actually attended.

I kid you not.

You see I am this years co-chair for the United Way fundraising campaign in my library system. This event kicks off each year with, you got it, a duck race. However it is not just any ducks, but rubber ducks. Decorated rubber ducks. Decorated rubber ducks maneuvered by swimmers in costumes.

The rules are simple, all ducks must be on the same type of floatation board, all must be decorated, and each duck must have a swimmer to race it. The swimmer cannot touch the duck, or the board, but must create waves to propel the duck along.

Okay. I had heard of this before. I never thought I would go, but this year... since I am involved with the campaign, I was one of the lucky people to go.

Let me tell you, it really is as lame as it sounds. Oddly enough, however, it is a huge amount of fun! Lots of weird people (who am I to throw stones, right?) were there, cheering each other on. The ducks were very imaginatively done up, with themes such as "Ducky Potter," or "Ducky Balboa" and the swimmers... well they actually were in costume too. One swimmer went into the pool wearing the upper half of a tux. Another wore a tiara. The police department had a very interesting duck. It was painted pink. Neon Pink. Not only that, but the board it was on was also pink. With pink feathers. And glitter. Did I forget to mention the glitter???? The swimmer for this delight looked like the typical male cop. Until he did his Vanna White impersonation before diving into the pool with his duck.

Since then I have found out that there are many "duck races" all over the country. If you get a chance, please check this out. Not only is it a hoot to watch, but the money actually goes towards a good cause. And if you know one of the swimmers who might be competing.. well photographs can come in handy later on down the line. I'm jus' sayin'!

A family get-together, a lesson in manners

Well yesterday I attended one of the most dreaded events of the year- a family get-together. It was a relative's birthday, and almost all of my very extensive family was in there. We are talking about close to forty people actually showing up.

As with all family affairs, our clan has various traditions that we adhere to rigorously. I used to think that my family was very dysfunctional, and that these traditions were very self-destructive, but over the course of time, I have realize that this is not so. Yes my family is moronic. Yes they are irritating, embarrassing, and sophomoric, but in comparison to lots of families that I know, well they are not that bad, and actually work well together in a twilight zone kind of way.

One thing that I have come to appreciate from my family, is the fact that manners are kind of important.

First off, there is always plenty of alcohol for the adults. Yes, I know that this does not set the best example for the children, but at least it sets a realistic one, as well as a lesson in good manners. When a relative gets obnoxious, do not yell at them or get into a fight or argument, just simply stand up, and excuse yourself with the loud comment of "Does anyone else want another drink?" Not only does this get out out of the idiot's diatribe, but it makes you look hospitable and caring about the needs of other family members.

Second, when two, or more, kids are fighting... NEVER get involved unless you are the parent. I have come to realize that the comment of "They're not my kids," actually translates into "I wish the children would behave, but I will not step on parental-toes, or belittle parenting techniques of others, and instead will relax, knowing that the children will be handled in a responsible, yet supportive fashion, once the parents are made aware of the situation." Yes, I am sure of this translation, and no, the fact that I often hide in delusions to escape stress when dealing with family has nothing to do with this translation. The voices told me so.

Third, if family arguments do happen, my family shows support to both sides by not getting directly involved, or taking sides. Instead someone will step in, near enough to the two combatants to be easily heard, and make a comment about a relative's boss (who most there have met) behaving like an ass to the relative in question, or mention some sort of tragic event, such as a beloved pets untimely demise under the tires of a hated neighbor.

This is done to the room at large, and others, picking up the intent, will start a conversation about it, asking opinions from the combatants, and drawing them away from an unseemly spat. This tactic, of family bonding through finding a mutual (non-family) target/enemy is a proven to be highly effective. Okay, so the most famous example of this is the Nazi party uniting the German nation through hatred of the Jews... but you have to admit it is effective. After the spat is calmed down, a day or two later everyone will, of course, talk to the two participants privately, and assure them that they were right, thus restoring family balance and helping to support the confidence and self-esteem of the two arguing relatives.

And fourth, all bitching about relatives will wait until you are alone with your immediate family, where you can unwind with additional alcohol. Or at a bar with additional alcohol. Or in your car, where you have stashed additional alcohol. While many might think that this shows an over-dependence on alcohol by my family, this is simply not true. We are just dependent enough on alcohol to make this bunch of polar opposite insane personalities tolerable.

While we may use alcohol as a crutch, any lesser being would have been driven insane by my family long ago. So, you see, alcohol addiction is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

DISNEY VACATION COMING UP!

Everyone,

Well it is pretty much set! I'm going to Disneyland at the end of September (only four weeks away), and again at the end of October (for Halloween).

I have to admit that I am really looking forward to going! NOT that I don't absolutely love going to work, dealing with snotty people, dealing with hostile snotty people, dealing with hostile snotty children (in their case the snot is literal), but getting away every once in a while is a good thing to.

Soon in a few short (though they will feel incredibly loooong) weeks, I will have a bunch of goofy pictures to post... and yes I do mean *that* Goofy. I do not plan on posting anything that can later be used either as blackmail, or at my trial. Keep an eye out for news stories involving Disneyland at the end of September though, because knowing my personality and luck, I am sure to be involved!

So to celebrate, here are is a Disney Link, it is for a "secret" Disney site filled with fun and games. The password is Walt, by the way. I hope you have fun!

By the way, if you take the character quiz, please post which character you are most like! I'm Aladdin. Yes, I actually came out as a good guy.

Hope ya all have a zippity-doo-dah day!

Child of Satan found in library...

Ok, my friend, Queen of Dysfunction, posted a blog on Tuesday detailing the trials and tribulations of children. The blog ended with a story about some hooker illegally parked in a handicapped space getting in her face for disciplining her child with a light swat.

ARGH! I just had to post after reading that blog.

A while back a couple came into my library. With... a child. The kid was out of control. Seriously, I think the the kid has the number 666 imprinted on the back of his neck or something.

I was happy when they walked on in, and away from me. I love kids, but some of them need a mute button, or a mute button plus a whole bunch of ductape wrapped around them.

Anywho... the parents go in, the kid runs wild for about half an hour. Then it is time to go. The parents try cajoling the child into leaving.

It does not work.

After ten minutes of mommy whining, "Come here Johnny. We need to go Johnny. Please, Johnny? Johnny, it's important we don't be late..." I was ready to hurl.

The father came up and checked out the books. He apologized for his son. The father just looked... well resigned I guess would fit.

Just after checking out this huge stack of books for their monster, the kid comes running up screaming at the top of his lungs, "I WANNA GET THE BOOKS! I WANNA GET THE BOOKS!"

The father said that he was sorry, but he had already checked the books out.

Johnny just started screaming louder (and I did not think that this was possible) "YOU FUCKER! I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU FUCKER!"

By the way, the charming little tyke was about 7 or 8 tops.

Mom came rushing up and hugged the kid. No, that is not a euphemism from smother.. it was a full-blown hug. And then said, "Johnny, we don't use bad words. Daddy is sorry he made you mad."

The father's head just dropped until his chin was practically on his chest, and closed his eyes.

In my head I was screaming WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I cannot believe that some parents think it is wrong to spank their children, but that it is okay for their kids to be just as rotten, crude, and abusive to other people as they want.


END OF RANT

SOAP BOX: Illegal Immigration

Well it is Monday... first day back to work after a three-day weekend (for me at least). As I was getting the library ready to open, an article in the newspaper that I was processing caught my eye. The Monday edition of the San Francisco Chronicle, that is.

I am, at heart, a pretty liberal person. But this article made me rather mad. The article goes into detail how cracking down on employing illegal immigrants is bad. Harmful to businesses and will hurt California as a whole. The article went on to change the term from "illegal immigrant" to "undocumented immigrant."

Well, just excuse me. My car is white. When it gets dirty I might make a case that it is more of an "eggshell" color, but in the end it still is white. Changing the term does not change the over all fact.

A friend and I got into a heated discussion, which really boiled over when I used the word "criminals." I was told that I should not assume that all of the illegal immigrants, or even a majority of them, are criminals.

Hello? There is a reason the word illegal is in the term illegal immigrant. Means it is against the law. Also seems to mean that the people who fit into that category are breaking the law. Thus, I think, the term criminal fits.

One source stated, about the enforcement policy, "My gut feeling is that the government is going to have a hell of a time enforcing it," said Bruce Hill, chef and co-owner of Bix in San Francisco and Picco and Pizzeria Picco in Larkspur. "But if they can, and do, it will be devastating to the restaurant business."

Hill, who says he goes by the book, said there is no question that undocumented workers are the backbone of the industry.

"We hire hardworking people," he said. "And if he or she is a kick-butt employee, we (the industry) look the other way."

When you start saying the term "look the other way" it kind of implies that the business owner/manager knows what is going on. So why should they not be held accountable?

I have a problem with the whole illegal immigrant issue... actually a few problems.

First- There are people in California who want jobs, but cannot seem to get them. Why not employ Californians?

Second- Since getting rid of illegal help will endanger the business in California, I want to know one thing. WHY? The focus of a business is making a profit. If being forced to use people who can legally get a job would hurt a business... I have to ask why? The only way that it could hurt profits is if the employee you are looking the other way for is making less than you would have to pay someone who is here legally. That really bothers me. If someone is doing a job, pay them the right amount.. minimum wage... whatever! THIS IS AMERICA! NOT A KATHY LEE GIFFORD SWEAT SHOP!

Third- If a business owner is breaking the law, I think they should be held accountable. It's called being an accessory to a crime.

Fourth- In an age where terrorism seems to be a way of life, how responsible is it to allow people access to our country without checking documentation? For example, last September, when crop after crop seemed to be either recalled or trashed before it hit grocery store shelves because they were unsanitary to eat... here you have the illegal immigrants picking and processing those vegetables, and "something" in the water that they were being cleaned with was bad. And that, as far as I know, was an accident. How much easier would it be to spread some sort of bacterial agent on purpose when employers "just look the other way"????

I believe that those who are truly trying to come to America for a better life should be helped. But I also feel that those people should enter our country legally.

After all, if *I* go to Mexico or Canada (not a real country by the way... at least according to South Park) *I* need a passport. If you disembark from a cruise in Mexico or Canada, or just cross by car, the Mexican government checks, the Canadian government checks, why shouldn't we expect the same in return? That people crossing our border show us the same type of respect and documentation? Their governments require it. Why is it suddenly so wrong that our government has the same expectations?

Ok, I will get off of my soap box now.

STARDUST!

A philospher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars?

"Or do we gaze at them because we are human?"

Pointless, really.

Do the stars gaze back, now that's a question!


Ok, last night I went out with some friends to see the movie "Stardust." Having only seen a few clips of the movie, and a few posters, I have to admit that I did not have too many expectations going into it.

The movie started, and the first few scenes were a bit slow, and I wondered what I had gotten myself in to. After the initial set up, however, the movie took off.

It was phenominal!

It had classic elements of fantasy, adventure, romance, and comedy that all seemed to fit well together.

While there were a couple of times that the movie did seem a bit long (ok at that point it was near midnight), it still felt well put-together. The movie did not rush through scenes, did not try to cram the storyline together to hurry it along, either.

The whole movie had the same feeling as some of my favorite fantasy films, such as "10th Kindom" and "The Princess Bride." Totally old-school but with really kickin effects.

The acting was superb. The storyline easy to follow. A great movie for just about anyone, including a younger audience. Though, to be fair, there is a large share of implied violence. You rarely see the gore, but "Stardust" will take you to the moment right before it happens and pan away. This may be too much for some small children, but on the whole... the movie is pretty perfect.

Though he only had a supporting role, Robert Deniro was awesome!

I hope everyone goes to see this instant classic.

Just a few questions

Okay everyone, I'm back. Sotty I have not been posting much this past couple of weeks because guest blogging for Drunk Drama Queen took up part of that time, and the rest, well real life interrupted.

But there is something that really nagged at me that I would like to get off my chest, and a few questions that I would love the answer to. For those that know, yes I am unmarried. I would like to find the right person. I really would. A few times it seemed like I had, but I was wrong.

Anyway, let me try and stay on point. You see someone I know is engaged. Great stuff. Talks all the time about marriage plans. I asked recently how plans were coming, if a date had been set. The answer stunned me.

"I doubt we will get married unless there is a baby on the way. Until then... well there doesn't seem to be a point." This was from the bride-to-be.

Hello? The only point in marrying the guy you love would be because children are soon to follow? I just don't get it. Does anyone understand this?? Please explain it to me.

Ok, a question to anyone out there.. wed or unwed, single, divorced, or a murder suspect... I don't care, I just want to know the answer. Is it worth it? Marriage. Boiled down to the bottom, all the bad stuff out there... do you think marriage is really worth it?

You see I know lots of married couples. I know *exactly* two married couples where it really might seem worth it, and who really seem to go well together. TWO. Well maybe two, it could be just one, but I'm being generous here so I will say two.

Next question, for those who _are_ married. If given knowing what you know now, about how things turned out, would you still have chosen to marry the person you did?

I guess I think about these things. For a long time I thought that I just went after the wrong type of person, but now I am not so sure. It just does not seem like I am the only person to have picked unwisely.

So, am I missing out on something great here? Or am I one of the lucky ones an just don't know it?

See, deep at heart I am a huge romantic. I believe in love, and I know it takes work, I really do, but I also believe that it is worth that work.

But... well seeing how miserable most of the married people I know are, I have to wonder. Is it worth it?

I'm still a romantic. When I find the right person, I will never let her forget that she is the most wonderful lady in the world. But, I have to admit, I am getting to be a worried romantic.

Thanks for listening (reading) my tirade. I just needed to unload.

Mary Poppins - Poem of the Month

It's August! Yet another month has passed away, never to come back this way again. With that depressing intro, here is the poem for the month of August..


The Death of Mary Poppins

Yes, I murdered Mary Poppins.
Dead with one thrust of my knife.
Her cheery dispostition,
T'was the reason I took her life.

Although she spread joy to the world,
With her famous smile,
Though she made children laugh,
I saw her bound and brought to trial.

Mary Poppins, yes, I condemed thee.
For all the love you gave
It was never, will never, be enough,
For the children you did not save.

Children who still remain hurt.
Children who still get abused.
Their terrors quite real,
Their lives scared and confused.

So, what about the ones
To whom you never came.
Who sat wishing for your touch
To take away their pain?

Mary Poppins, with empty words
You promised love and happiness.
But though you tried, you lied, and knew
Some would still suffer in darkness.

Mary Poppins, Marry Poppins,
How much harder it is to remain
Trapped in a life of tragedy,
Waiting for the promise who never came.

I murdered Mary Poppins.
Dead with one thrust of my knife.
You see, her cheery dispostition,
T'was the reason I took her life.

Baby news!

Well everyone, on Friday my youngerst nephew decided to have a baby. Actually his wife, Amanda, decided it was time. Since she has been suffering for weeks now, Amanda is really happy that her bundle of joy decided to run away from her womb. BTW, that is her phrase, not mine.

With the help of the physicians at the hospital, little Logan Matthew came into this world at 21 inches long, seven pounds and eleven ounces. I am, once again, a great uncle... see? The word 'great' is automatically attached!

For those who know my family, and those who don't... yes this means that the redneck population in California has just increased.

Actually the kid is cute.. and I am going to try my darndest to make sure that he has a great life.

Here are a couple of photos of the cute kid, along with the proud father in one of them.

Hope you all had as great a weekend as I...

Harry Potter Mania!

As everyone on the Planet knows, Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows is now out, and was an instant best seller.

Leading up to this, however, has been some intense Harry Potter mania! This past week the library that I work at has been hosting a series of Harry Potter parties, complete with a full cast of crutial "background" characters to make it a total smashing success. Figures such as Rita Skeeter, Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor Trelawny and others made the events memorable for everyone.

In addition to the Harry Potter takeover of the library system, I also attended the midnight Potter party at Barnes & Nobles. The night was full of fun... and some seriously deranged adults, myself included. Accompanied by a dear friend, a member of the Slytherin House, we made our way through the crowds, greeting friends, and gawking at a world of imagination gone into overdrive.

Everywhere you looked wizards, witches, and muggles ran back and forth. Making charms, having their fortunes read, and listening to Potter trivia ... the evening was full of magic in one form or another. By one a.m., though, I was tired, and at the same time still wound up.

A friend of mine, a little girl... ok she is 20, but I swear she looks like she is maybe 12, won the costume contest. Dressed up as Luna "Looney" Lovegood, she made an awesome character. When I get my photos uploaded, I will post a picture of her.

Another friend of mine, known only as her character "Rita Skeeter" was the total hit of the night! Pictures were taken of her, with various children and adults, on an average of one every five minutes or so. She was awesome! In fact, that is her in the picture with Gilderoy Lockhart.

The night was so much fun, I just wish all of my friends could have been there. Well maybe not all, some of them are not geeky enough to enjoy Harry Potter. However, if Rowling ever does write Harry Potter #8, or any other book in that universe, I am giving warning now to my friends [especially Drunk Drama Queen]... I will so be dragging all of your asses out with me, and we will invade, conquer, and then go get drunk. [heh, I know the promise of alcohol will hook them!]

I hope all of you enjoy the seventh Potter book as much as I am. And as for a spoiler, only this... fist casualty happens on page 56. Friends of mine, nearby as I was reading, heard me exclaim... "Damn you, J.K. Rowling.. you bitch!!!"

And, in honor of the serious nature of Harry Potter... a few links to Youtube for some awesome music videos. PLEASE watch them. The first is an unusual romance... and the other one... well every time I see it I am still shocked, and still laugh my ass off! Both videos are really well done, and deserve some kind of award. Maybe.

These are videos that a group of friends and I found while surfing Youtube for the first time while looking for stuff on the tv show Hex, which is the most fucking awesome show ever!

Hermione & Draco, a love story.

Tra-La-La. OMFG! This is soooo wrong!

Foul Demons of Stupidity... BEGONE!

I have to say that I am a stupid magnet. I am also a freak magnet, psycho magnet, and a loser magnet as well, but right now lets just talk about the demons of stupidity that seem to be drawn to me.

My ex-boss, who still cannot comprehend why he was fired, still comes in to the library where I work. He still sends e-mails to my work e-mail account. Both of those are mildly annoying. However he comes in or e-mails to tell me what to do. I keep wanting to ask him what part of being fired did he not get? Well now he has started sending me e-mails ordering me to tell *my new boss* what to do. I'm sure I will rant about him at another time, but there is more.

Libraries should attract smart people, but they don't. Today I was stuck training a new employee for six hours. Have you ever seen the movie "Clueless"?? Well this guy is the retired geriatric male counterpart to most of the teens in that movie. He has had FOUR WEEKS of training so far, before he got to my branch for additional training. I swear someone is out to get me.

He's a nice old man who is near the end of his life. Or I hope he is... really he does not have much to look forward to. It took three hours to teach him how to sign people up for the computers. *NOT* to assign them a computer... just to sign them up. The process is, I admit very confusing, and I am sure that I was explaining it in very technical terms. "Bill, just write down their first name, and the initial of their last name." EVERY freakin time someone came up to sign up for the waiting list, he would say "You will have to wait a moment, I have not been trained in that." I would then go ahead and go through it again... "First name, Bill! Last initial!." In the three hours we were signing up, we had 65 people sign up for the computer. I had to correct him each time, or show him how to do it... again. 65... I counted. It was on person 66 that he started to realize what first name, and last initial meant.

Friends if I get that bad, kill me. Put me out of my misery. You can even do something creative and sell the video on E-bay. Seriously... If I am flat-lining that much, I doubt I would notice a thing anyway!

And finally, the one that takes the cake! I saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix this weekend at a local theatre. And at the concession stand was a young man who needs to be neutered before he reproduces. We'll call him Jeremy.

Jeremy: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, we have a coupon for a free small soda, and I would like a blue rasberry icee.

Jeremy: I'm sorry but the only icee machine we have working now is blue rasberry.

Me: [blink]

Jeremy: Would you like one of those?

Me: Yes.

Jeremy provides an icee that is more liquidy than a soda, and I mention that it is way too watery.

Jeremy: It is?

Me: [dunking my finger in it and swishing it around] Yep. Feels that way. We will just take the small soda, and instead of an icee, a large water.

Jeremy: Ok. What type of soda do you want?

Me: [first consulting with my friend who the drink was for] Coke.

Jeremy proceeds to WASH OUT THE FREAKING CUP that the blue rasbery water was in, and then fills it up. With sprite.

Me: Uhm, we wanted coke.

Jeremy: Yes [hands me the sprite and then goes off to get me a large water]

Me: Jeremy, this is sprite.

Jeremy: Didn't you want a coke?

Me: Yes

Jeremy: Then why are you asking for sprite?

Me: I'm not, Jeremy. We want a coke. Dark brown.. fizzy... coke.

Jeremy then dumps out the blue rasberry icee cup that is filled with sprite, washes it out, and starts to put in coke.

Me: Can we have a new cup?

Jeremy: This is a new cup.

My friend, sensing my distress, tells me to forget about the new cup.

Jeremy: That will be $13.

Me: For water?!?

Jeremy: [looking at the cash register] For the icee, water, and the soda?

Me: The soda is free. Free. Means no cash needed. Coupon... you take that, but not money. And we did not take the icee because it was defective. Like a condom that I think was used sometime in the past that is affecting me right now.

Jeremy: You don't want the soda?

Another young helper stepped up, and it took about 20 seconds to get the transaction right. I asked if Jeremy was new... I was told that yes he is, he had only been there for several weeks. Several weeks???

Harry Potter Movie

Let me start off with the standard disclaimer... this post contains no spoilers. I *refuse* to ruin movies for people. It is an awful thing to do, and people who give away key parts of a movie should be exiled!

This weekend I went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Okay, actually I saw it twice (I was invited by a few different friends).

Those of you who have seen my Transformers movie review know that there were two movies that I was greatly looking forward to this summer, Transformers and H.P. #5. This was a movie that I had been waiting to see... ever since the last one had come out.. I admit it, I am a movie addict. After seeing one, I cannot wait to see another.

I'm a big fan of the books, and I have sincerely enjoyed all of the H.P. movies, even this last one. As you can probably tell, I am not ranking this latest installment of the H.P. franchise as one of the better films.

Don't get me wrong, please. I really did enjoy the movie! I went in with expectations suitably lowered by my insightful friend Beth, and I have to admit from the early quasi-negative friend-reviews that I received, I was pleasantly surprised!

The movie, however, could have been so much more. I think that (without giving anything away) that the movie could have been editted a little better, with some scenes completely left out, and others lengthened, or added in all together. My one complaint for the movie was that it seemed to try to focus on too much, with little bits here and there on a variety of areas... and I would have liked to see it compacted and tightned up a little more. Heighten the suspense a notch, add in a little more humor. Show some cleavage!!! I mean, am I the only one who thinks Prof. Minerva McGonagall is hot???

Kidding!!!! She's a great actress though, and I think her barbed sarcasm could have been used a little more in several of the scenes. She reminds me of an older version of a friend of mine (DDQ). One of a kind, awesomely talented, and able to crush someone with a look or ripping comment.

The special effects were well done. The acting... well if you have seen any of the H.P. movies you know about the acting... some good, some bad, and always enjoyable.

Hhmm on my personal scale? It's a mixed review. If you can see it on the Imax, go for it! The 3d parts are a lot of fun! I think this movie calls out for a big screen... but over all, if I had to wait for DVD release, I would not have been crushed on seeing the final cut.

I admit, though, I am really looking forward to the DVD, and I am hoping that there will be a lot of extended sequences and (crossing fingers) a longer Director's cut.

Demons terrorize Librarian!

I am a retarded-freak magnet, always have been. Just ask Drunk Drama Queen. But yesterday really took the cake.

Yesterday some of our regular internet-addicts came in to use the computers at the library. They come in every single day. You would think that by now they would know some of the basics...

Such as, while waiting please stop terrorizing people who are on the computers already. First off, it does not work. The people on the computers are also addicted, and even World War III would not phase them while they are getting their my-space fix. Second of all, you are pissing the staff off!

Next, when signed up for the computer, please stop looking at porn. The underage kids don't like seeing animals do things like that with people. Ok, maybe they do (really hick town here), but still. Also... you are pissing the staff off.

And finally, when you are signed up, please don't think it is ok to sneak a friend onto the computer during _your_ sign-up period. Particularly when the friend has already been kicked off for watching uncle Chester do the sheep he owns. That really pisses the staff off.

After this group was kicked off the computers, they actually were upset because we did not give them two warnings, and instead just kicked them off. Ok fuck-tards, we gave you two warnings three days ago, two days ago, and one day ago. Oddly enough, we are not giving out warning any more!

After they left, I got to go home.. actually I went to buy some new clothes. Got some pretty snazzy ones too... but that is another story. However I realized that the kids on the internet were not at fault, they were possessed by demons.

I know this because the demons followed me to the clothing store and possessed three little kids.

The kids were from a red-neck family who were also in the store, trying to find a suit for one of them to go to a wedding. I tried complaining that they were really out of control, but the sales associate got all defensive and protective of "God's little angels"... I have no idea why since she did not seem to know them personally. But they were not sent from the big G-man lady.

The kids realized they could go under the locked changing room "doors" and play unobserved. I tried to complain again about their behavior, and again was shot down.

The family got up there to purchase the suit, and realized that you can't haggle the price down. They called the demon-children out and left.

Then I went up to pay for my snazzy new clothes. The lady (by now I was thinking of her as Ms. Nazi Cashier Bitch) started reading me the riot act, saying I made the other customers uncomfortable and they left without buying anything.

That was it. I started yelling "MANAGER" as loud as I can. I am a loud guy. Mr. Manager came quickly, and I informed him of what his Nazi was saying to me...and she went off saying that I was picking on children and making them 'uncomfortable'.

The manager then turned to me and asked what the children were doing that was so wrong. My response? "Well, for starters, I tried telling this ... woman.. about the children and she would not listen." The manager started to get puffed up, but I continued. "I thought she would want to know that they were **PISSING** in the changing room."

The manager and sales Nazi went and verified the puddle.

Moral of the story? Complain about piss in a pretty nice clothing store and get and additional 25% off.

Movie Review: TRANSFORMERS

First off I would like to say that this review does not contain spoilers.

As many of my friends know, I am a movie addict. I love going out to see them, and will often make plans way in advance.

This was the case for the Transformers movie. Months ago I started planning carefully. Who to go with, and what theatre to see it in (unfortunately it was not being shown on the Imax screen).

Well the fourth of July came, and a few adopted family members and myself set out to see the new Transformers movie.

For me this was one of the two must-see movies of the summer. The other being "Harry Potter #5". Sorry to all of you "Pirates of the Caribbean" fans. I loved the first movie, but the second one sucked, and the third one.. well it did not suck as much as #2, and was a lot of fun, but I truly hated the ending of #3.

But, I digress. Back to the Transformers. While this movie is one that I was greatly looking forward to, I have to admit that I questioned if it would live up to all of the hype from the year plus of ads and promos.

I had my checklist going:
1) See movie with good friends (the non drama-impaired kind): Check!
2) Get there early: Check!
3) Get good seats: Semi-check! We had good seats, though not in the center, but still good seats.

The lights dimmed, the music started, and the race was on! Would this movie live up to the hype, or would it be overtaken by the sucky-movie mobile?

Two and a half hours later I had my answer.

THE MOVIE ROCKED! I just wish that it had been shown on the Imax screen.

Transformers had everything that it advertised. Action, comedy, and (surprisingly) a really good plot and storyline. And the actors could ACT! No "Mannequin-Skywalkers" in this bunch! The performances were kept to believable levels, and not *too* over the top. A couple of times it came close, but still the actors managed to pull it off.

It was obvious that the storyline and concepts had been updated to fit the times. Great relief for me, since some of the '80's remakes lately still seem too dated. For instance, Bumblebee was changed from a classic VW bug, to a Camaro. While I missed the original Bumblebee, the new one still retained all of the fun and style of the original.

Colors changed a bit, with Optimus Prime gaining a new detailed paint job. However, like Bumblebee, all of the characters I grew up with still remained true to the 'feel' of the original. At least most of the time, but more on that later....

The storyline had changed a bit from the original, but I think the changes were good. Characters got a little more depth to them, and seemed more realistic and 3-dimensional. I just liked the characters more, and that was something I did not think would happen.

And the soundtrack... I have to admit I really enjoy a good soundtrack with my movie. The common concensus among those who went, about the soundtrack, was "must-own."

There were a few problems I did have with the movie though.

The language also got updated, and while it did, usually, increase the comedy level of the movie, seeing a favorite character use the term "bitch" kind of pinged with me. So, I guess, not all of the updating was a good thing.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind strong language at all, but it does have it's place. And I have to say that the place is not in a remake of a *kids cartoon*. For the most part, the language was usually appropriate for the original feel of the Transformers, and this movie did not hit the foul-language-keep-the-kids-away-at-all-cost meter, but maybe some of the language used could have been left out or modified.

The only other problem that I could see was a few continuity errors. Such as during a black out, all of the lights along the street are out, the people in the house are using flashlights to navigate... and an external shot of the house shows a dark neighborhood, but various lights still obviously working both outside the house, on the patio, and inside... windows lit, etc.

Ok, for the final verdict: This movie is a must-see on the big screen. It's even worth an evening ticket price (and for me that is saying something).

If you do go see it, I hope you have a wonderful time. The production company, directors, and actors have done a fine job of creating a movie that will help carry you away to somewhere else, and show you a fun ride getting there.

As the tag-line says, Transformers: More than meets the eye.

Poem of the Month

Well since I am way new to blogging, I thought I would start off with a poem I wrote... since I doubt anyone will ever see it anyway :)

But if you do, please be kind in your criticism.

THE KNIGHT

His armor glints in the mid-day light.
Visor down, his face hidden from view.
All they see of him, his armor.
No one sees, no one knows,
The man inside.

Ready for the next battle,
One in an endless theme.
He hides his wounds and his scars
Behind a metallic sheen.
No one knows the man inside.

Does he smile, when he cries,
It's all the same
To the world outside.
His visor down, his secrets safe,
No one knows the man inside.

In time, he himself has forgot,
Who he is, and who he was.
His armor shields him tight,
His outer shell now more real than he.
No one knows the man inside.

Then one day, the armor rang hollow.
It's folds of metal guarding no one.
All that remains- the brightly polished
Armor, standing alone, empty.
No one ever knew the man inside.